10 Gallon People - 10 Gallon Love

This morning is my first day off, of a four day stretch. It's rainy this morning, so I spent the morning drinking coffee and scrolling through TikTok. A video came up of a woman recording her husband holding their newborn baby for the first time, captioned "What it feels like when you marry and choose your best friend to become the father of your kids." The nurse hands him their newborn and emotions wash over his face. He looks over at his wife with tears streaming down his face... sending her the most pride filled and meaningful wave of love. It was beautiful... and I broke down. I broke down hard. I closed the app and I bawled, for a solid 10 minutes. Being an empath... I felt that love that he had for his child and his wife. But... I've never felt that love... not in my own life. Not from another person. I finished sobbing, gathered my thoughts and told myself to quit feeling sorry for myself. I guess I needed a good cry, but I don't stay there anymore. That's how I know I'm healing.

My ex husband, the father of my two daughters, didn't want us. Before I got pregnant at the ripe age of 22, he made a point to tell me that. "I'm 31 years old. Don't you think if I wanted a wife and kids... I'd have had them by now." I got pregnant not long after that. It was a major surprise. We hadn't even been together a full year yet, when it happened. He suggested an abortion with our first child, I said no... I couldn't do that and he dropped it. We got married, in an attempt to do the right thing for our daughter. When I got pregnant the second time, he pushed for an abortion... constantly... until it was no longer an option. If I couldn't do it the first time, when I was 22 and barely knew him... what made him think I would do it at 24, when we were married. I realize now, it was because he had a girl friend. I suspected it, but could never prove it (he certainly wasn't going to admit it). The only reason I was still having sex with him was in hopes it'd keep him from cheating on me. I was very young... and very dumb. I do not regret any of it. I don't ever want to know a life with out my amazing little girls. I had to go through that. All of it. Exactly as I did. My daughters were the driving force for me to better our situation. They gave me the strength and bravery to become who I am today. I needed to, for them.

So no, we weren't wanted. Not then... and not now. Which boggles my mind, honestly. I'm not a pompous person. I don't think I'm better than anyone else, I don't like being the center of attention and I don't like to brag or boast about myself... but I know my worth. I know who I am, where I came from, and what I have to offer. I know the kind of mother that I am and the wonderful children I've raised... ON MY OWN. As a single man in your mid to late 30's-early 40's... what more could you want? We are the ideal, step in family. So, sometimes... that's hard. It's hard for me to understand... why no one sees us... or wants us. But, it's no matter. See, that's the thing... we'll be okay. We always have been. I've got us. I always have. I'm not afraid to stand on my own and raise up these beautiful girls... because I have. Their entire lives, it's been me... doing us. I'VE GOT THIS. No doubt. I have only ever been able to count on myself. (Special shout out to my parents because... they've been a huge asset to us. It would have been soooo much harder to get where we are without their help. My mom has been the closest thing to my rock and other half, all these years. She has been the one person I have been able to rely on... even if I've hated having to.)

Something I struggle with the most, is feeling unloved. In literally ever single relationship I've ever had (romantic or not), I have never felt seen or loved. Never. I love too hard, care too much, and have never felt that in return. I went back and forth (and still do) on whether or not I am meant to be loved. Maybe that is not my mission in this life. Maybe I am simply supposed to focus on my girls and growing them up to be strong independent women. Maybe love outside of the love between my daughters and I, is just a distraction from my purpose. I know I'm here to spread love and light. I know I needed to go through what I went through, to gain the wisdom to help others who might be struggling to find the strength or motivation or clarity to do it on their own. Maybe my lack of love in life, is another lesson I need to go through and learn. I know a large portion of my spiritual awakening journey is to learn to love myself. Maybe that's the mission. Love myself to the point I no longer feel an emptiness or loneliness. I think that's it. I'm getting there...

Recently I heard a sound clip between Oprah and Bishop T.D. Jakes (Listen Here), that talks about 10 gallon people. It was so comforting to hear someone put into words what I have always felt since I was a little kid. I am a 10 gallon person, with 10 gallon love, born into an environment of people with pint love capacity. My parents are great people, they really are. I love and adore them, but I was always different than them. There was more going on in me than they ever knew or understood. I had a few wild flash backs from my childhood a couple weeks ago while sitting at work. I forgot how sad I was when I was young. I guess I pushed it down pretty deep. I did not feel seen or cared about. I kept a lot of that inside from a young age. I acted out a lot. Developed this personality of being a goofball for attention. I involved myself in any and every extra curricular activity that I could, so my parents would see me and be proud of me. But worst of all, I was a daredevil. I had no fear. If there was a dangerous stunt everyone was too afraid to try, I would do it. I wanted my friends to see me, I wanted to leave a lasting impression and be remembered... and I wanted to get hurt. I wanted to get hurt bad enough to go to the hospital... so my parents would give me the love and attention, I desperately craved. The funny thing is, of all the times I should have broken a bone or gotten hurt... I never did. I realize now, that I never did because... I was meant to feel that way. It was all part of the plan. I needed to work through all these fucked up feelings and traumas. It was the universe's unique plan for me. And here I am now... realizing it. Like... *pooowww* mind blown.

So, what does it all mean? Why am I digging up all this crap that I've buried inside myself for all these years? What's the purpose of me having all these realizations. I'm not sure what all of my lessons are yet, I just know I'm meant to dig it all up and go through it. I'm weeding my mind... so I can plant something absolutely beautiful to grow. That's the process. It might sound bad to dive into all these negative thoughts and feelings. Like I'm torturing myself. It's actually not like that. When I first started on my spiritual awakening... yeah... that shit was rough. It was so confusing and painful. I didn't have a grasp on things. It was a whirl wind of emotions, confusion, and thoughts... but I have been weeding things out as I go. And my mind has become clearer and clearer and the weight of everything has become lighter and lighter, as I go. I'm in a really good place right now, but... I'm still digging things up. I'm like a private detective, for myself. Solving the mysteries of why I am how I am and why I struggle with what I struggle with. It's work worth doing. And it gets so much easier the further you go.

So what is a 10 gallon person to do, when surrounded by pint capacity people? This. Just this. Honestly, I'm just focused on being there for my girls, limiting the amount of trauma I add to their lives, and trying to be the comforting, loving, healing beacon of light that they need. I'm meant to keep working on myself and loving myself. Focus on my passions and the greater good. I'm here to help who ever needs the kind of help I can give. I'm a light worker, a healer, I'm just me. I'm the me that I've always been. The me, that I've fought so hard to stay... all these years. I'm doing what I can, with what I have, loving the people around me and accepting that they love me exactly how they can. I'm working hard towards that being enough for me. Come what may... I'm just living life and loving myself the best I can.