All Work & No Play Makes Me A Dull Girl

It took me a long time to find a job that I enjoyed. Half the trouble with

me, is I have ADHD. I am not diagnosed as having ADHD, but my youngest daughter is... and in researching and trying to find things to help her succeed... I started saying... "Hmm.. wait a minute..." Come to find out, I am textbook ADHD. Back in MY day (haha), these things weren't diagnosed often, if at all. Did I struggle? Yeah, I guess a little. I was VERY creative and artistic. I wrote advanced stories for my age, and I was constantly drawing on anything and everything around me. Any chance to be creative on a work assignment I went all out (and often a bit overboard).

I was tested in elementary school to be in the enrichment program. I guess they thought I was a little bit more gifted than I was. I didn't get into the enrichment program. They decided my gifted mind was gaged more towards the arts, and less so in academics. I think my ADHD had a lot to do with that. I wasn't a dumb kid what so ever, I grasped most things quite easily and did well in school. I was no Einstein, but I was good enough for straight honor roll my entire life. My trouble was, if the subject didn't interest me or come to me naturally, I couldn't concentrate on it. I didn't want to. If it seemed too hard or overwhelming, I'd just shut down. Fractions and decimals are still a mystery to me. Haha.

I didn't get in the enrichment program, but they did put me in the odyssey of the mind program. That was pretty fun. You did a mini play that you designed the sets, props, etc. for and then you acted in them. You would put on your play, along with other groups from other schools, and they were all judged in a competition type setting. That was my introduction into the arts. I loved it.

Through high school I took every available art class and really fell in love with pottery. I loved sculpting most of all. I wish there had been more art classes available. I could have lived there and soaked it all up. I also enjoyed shop class. Creating things from wood or any sort of material was something that interested me. I loved it. Creating art in any form was definitely my thing.

I also really loved band, I played the flute. It wasn't the instrument I wanted to play, but it was the instrument we had, my mom played the flute in school. I would get so swept up and filled with emotion listening to all the different instruments come together as one, each instrument, a vital part in creating something beautiful. Music was something I became extremely passionate about. Other kids were taking independent studies on music. They were basically learning every instrument, which was a HUGE desire of mine. I was denied that opportunity, however, because our band teacher did not like me. You were either in, or you weren't. She hated my mother (from well before any of us kids were ever even in school). so... I was out. She refused to let me take the class because she didn't want to teach me, said I would screw around too much. I still am quite resentful over it. I wish I had been more persistent. There were other teachers, who at the time weren't offering such a class, but I could have asked to teach me... in hind sight. I could have been so much further with my music today, had I just demanded to be heard. Had I just been more persistent in finding SOMEONE who would teach me. I was far too timid and gave too many adults the authority in my life to dictate who I became and what my life would be. I didn't fight hard enough to be seen. I didn't fight hard enough to be heard and express what my passions meant to me.

I also really enjoyed writing and reading great works of art. I took all honors english classes and college prep writing. I loved to be challenged to write outside of what I would typically write. I was a bit of a dark teen. I was, but I wasn't. It was (and still is) a constant battle of light and darkness with me. I am typically bright and bubbly on the outside, friendly to all. But, I'm broody. I feel deeply and on high. I will take a thought and circle it. Ins and outs. Lights and darks. I'd go to write and it would get very dark and broody and twisted. I'm a rocker, a metal head. I don't want to read or listen to songs about sunshine and daisies, rainbows and unicorn fluff. I want pain, I want realness, I want trials and triumphs. I want to learn something important about you. I want you to learn something meaningful about me. Lets go somewhere together and come out the other end changed and better. Growth and knowledge from real life experiences... that's art to me. Life is art to me. We are all masterpieces. Life molds us, time and time again, until we take our last breath. Beautiful, messy, flawed, wonderful art, all of us.

I didn't go to college. I wanted to. I wanted to do something with art. I couldn't really decide what though. I just didn't know what was out there. There was not a lot of guidance in my school/home when it came to life outside of being a kid. I went to my guidance counselor and was handed a book with a list of jobs in it. I had no idea what to do with it. What did any of this stuff mean? I was just some kid in rural Pennsylvania... who wanted to do big things. Big things that I could feel brewing inside of me... but didn't understand quite yet. I didn't understand this universe that was inside of me. I felt it and it escaped me in little ways through out my life. Cleverly written things here, a successful art piece there, the way music would make me lose my breath or change my heart beat... I was connected to something so much bigger than myself and I felt it with everything in me. I've always felt it... even at a very young age. No one understood me. No one understood the importance of how passionate I was about things. My passion was not encouraged at all. It still is not. I can't even talk about something creative or artistic I am working on, without eyerolls and scoffs from my family. That was just how it was growing up. It's made me doubt my worth and abilities.

"What are you going to do for a living?" I don't know. Artist, writer, rock star? What can I do? What's out there? "What do you want to go to college for?" I'm running out of time, I frantically search through the list in a book that my guidance counselor handed me. There are so many options here. What do any of these careers entail or mean? What do people go to college for?! I'd like to learn more about music. What options are there? Studio sound and record production? That could be cool, I guess. "No. You're not waiting money doing that. You need to go get a job." Well, I guess that's that. The clock was ticking, and I made a choice and it was apparently the wrong one. Denied. All at once, I'm out of that world. The door closed. So, I got a job.

I got a job in telecom (because that where the rest of my family worked) and I hated it! It made my ADHD brain BLEED. I was constantly overwhelmed and physically ill. I had anxiety the second I woke up in the morning until the second I fell asleep at night. DREAD of the next day. I knew I was going to have to go to work and focus on something that my brain fought with me CONSTANTLY to focus on. My job was to look at series of jumbled up letters and numbers, each one a specific name of a circuit or switch. This is this and this is that and it makes this do that, when you do this with it. I get it, but I don't want to. It hurt to make sense of it all. It was like my brain was boiling in my head and leaking out my ears and by the end of the day, there was nothing left. I guess that's just what people do as an adult, I guess. You go to work, do things you hate until it feels like someone has beat you in the scull until you're bloody and you just go home. You need money to live, and this is how you get it. I didn't go to college, couldn't figure it all out there. I'm in the real world now. Sink or swim kid, this is just you life now.

Eventually I got pregnant and had kids of my own. Short of the occasional birthday cake design... or a cute little sticky note in a lunch bag... that was the extent of my creativity for 15 years. It wasn't until the end of last school year, when Covid shut everything down and the girls finished out their school year via remote learning, that I had an excuse to be myself again. The girls had art projects that their brilliantly fun art teacher would assign and they looked SO fun and inviting, I had to try them too. The girls loved having me be apart of it, as much as I loved being a part of it. It nourished a part of me, that I had been depriving for far too long. I was sucked back in. But how could I possibly get back into it? I'm a full time single mom, working full time to support us. Where would I find the time? When I come home from work it's just more routine to get school work done, dinner cooked, keep on top of house work, get kids to bed, then find a little peace to deescalate from the day, before going to bed myself. How could I justify taking any me time, when I'm already struggling to stay on top of the day to days...

I found my answer at work, of all places. My current job can be very busy and extremely stressful. I don't get lunch breaks, in fact I have to ask someone to watch the desk in order to slip away for a quick bathroom break. When I'm here, I'm here and I'm in it until my shift is over. But, the speed and busyness also varies. Sometimes it can be very laid back and chill. It truly just depends on the day. In the chill moments, is when I found my "me time," It started out with me keeping scrapbook supplies in my locker and working on things here and there, when times allowed. Then I started a bit of a tradition at work.

For holidays I started drawing little holiday messages or scenes on the dry erase boards. It was just a little something I could do to bring a smile to everyone's faces. Usually I'd draw something and it would get altered by the guys I work with. We have dark humors where I work and a cute leprechaun or turkey would take a turn for the worse, but they had fun with it... so I kept doing it.

The board kept evolving over the years... and everyone started looking forward to them more and more. The anticipation and expectations would grow and grow. The need to outdo my last board each time was always there. Working with dry erase boards limits you both on colors and also on what you can do with it. Over work it and it erases what you'd just done, etc. Very frustrating stuff to work with. So I decided I would start drawing on paper or card stock and tape them up. Then I didn't like the lines from my markers, so I decided paint would be better. I'm not very good at painting yet. I think I need to find the right paints and bushes, honestly. I haven't yet, but I'm on the search to find my perfect combination to really take my fun amateur art to it's next amateur level.

I have gotten such a great reaction and such encouragement from my coworkers. There has even been people outside of my work that have come in and taken pictures or made comments asking how much schooling I have had for it. When I say none, they have been shocked. I have had coworkers asking why I am even working here and not doing something with my art. I don't honestly feel anything I've done is all that good, but I do appreciate the nice feedback.

I got such a good response from my work family, that I got a little braver and started sharing my board art on social media, which has also resulted in such support and kind words. I'm not used to it yet. It means the world to me, but I am just not used to it. I am very hard on myself. I always feel I could have done something different or better. I'm never happy or satisfied with anything I do and I'm always picking apart everything I do. I'm not an artist, I'll never be an artist. I have no formal education, I have no idea what I'm doing... but I enjoy doing it. The negative thoughts and harsh tone I put on myself might not be idle, but it's all I know and it pushes me to do better, try harder and be more. So, I take the good with the bad.

There is nowhere for me to go with my art, but up. I have never in my life had such support and encouragement on anything I have been passionate about. The lack of support never put out my fire. It's always been there. I've always been me, true to myself and proud of what I am. Passions have just been tucked to the side for a while. I was pregnant at 21 and a mom ever since. I've had to start over more than once, buckle down and make things happen. I have a good job now, that I do not intend to leave, my girls are nearly 10 and 12 and need me less and less every day. This is my time to start building towards what comes next. Little by little I will do it. By the time my girls are in college becoming what ever it is they feel passionate about becoming, I will be a more evolved me. Foundation towards my future, built little by little. I won't just be this lost, lifeless, empty nester. I will miss my girls like crazy (I do not doubt that for a second), but they will be shining bright and growing. I will find purpose and have a proper outlet for my emotions that will come from their moving on with out me. I need to be shining bright and growing too. After all, they have always looked to me as an example. I've always strived to be a strong, independent, capable woman that they could admire and strive to be themselves. Why stop, ever?! I will be everything I was meant to be. Beautiful, messy, flawed, wonderful art until my very last breath.

Below, you will find some of my board art work progressions.

I hope you enjoy them.

Thanks for all the love, support and encouragement.

My hope for you, is that you take the time to find what it is that makes your heart beat faster or your smile grow wider and do more of that. Feed your beautiful soul and allow life to mold you into the best work of art you can be.

All my love,

Layney Lethal

Here we have a before & after Thanksgiving Turkey.

The guys added a little stress to the poor guy.

Another before and after for Christmas. This was during my cute message phase. I soon came to find the guys were looking for something a bit more comical for the boards.

So I got rid of MAGA Santa and tried something different. (see below)

It started with Charlie Brown, his sad tree and Snoopy.

I decided I would beat the guys to the punch and alter it little by little to keep them guessing.

I changed Charlie Brown into one of the guys, used one of his catch phrases and drew in his chicken murdering dog. It was a hit.

I started adding more classic Christmas movie characters, but altering them to fit a few of the guys. (Please excuse the whited out portions, they had info not pertaining to this blog)

Here was the final Christmas board from 2019. It kept changing little by little, adding more and more people from my job as classic Christmas characters. It wasn't anything overly complicated or thought out, but it was fun while it was there.

I did a leprechaun for St. Patrick's Day. We had a guy here that had red hair and enjoyed a good pod cast from time to time, so... I got a fun jab in. Our humor at work is either dark and twisted or busting each others balls. So...

I did a "Crappy Easter" board this year where the Easter Bunny was hiding Covid eggs.

*Disclaimer, the kid in this picture is wearing a GAS MASK and is not "black face"*

That is really something I had to clarify for someone.

Listen guys, it's hard to work with dry erase markers.

Be gentle.

So, this is how the Easter board turned out. The guys and I like playing Call of Duty on our phones, so I positioned our squad throughout the Covid infested town and we eliminated the threat. I had to be the one that shot him. C'mon, I'm the one doing the drawing, it's going to be me. :) I added our cleaning gal to the board too. We love her.

I did Jason Voorhees for Friday The 13th.

The Halloween board this year included everyone from the building as a Halloweenish character. This was a huge hit and the start of my nightmare of including everyone. lol

Kicked back looking over my work. (Love my chucks)

In between holidays, the board was looking too bare and boring. I decided to do an in between holiday board. The theme would be cartoon characters, and again... I would make one for each person at work.

The rhyme/reason for each character varied, but the important part was... everyone got the reason when looking at each one. And if they didn't at first, once you explained it... they'd burst out laughing.

It didn't matter how many times they had already seen it... every time someone would walk in and look at the board they would smile or laugh. That was the point. A little light hearted joy to pick up everyone's day.

It was my small way of adding to my work families day, while also testing me to be creative and try more things to further my abilities in art.

Then there was my latest. My Christmas 2020 board. I decided to make everyone an elf this time. The challenge was trying to make the elf look like them in real life. This is not something I am good at doing. I am not an artist. I am an aspiring artist. This is something I aspire to be better at... the only way to get better is to try it. So, I did.

I wanted to try paint this time, because I wasn't happy with the streakiness of the markers. But, I also wasn't really happy with the paint either. I used acrylic paint... because that is what I had at my house. I have not liked painting, I think (and hope) because I haven't been using the right kind of paint. I am going to experiment a bit with different paints in the hopes I will find something I like using and fall in love with it.

My idea with personalizing the characters on the board (besides attempting to make them look like each person), was by giving them a gift that fit a hobby, like, or funny inside joke. Some presents were better than others.

I put a lot of time into making these, that the cleverness of the gifts was lacking a little more than I'd have hoped. It was a time crunch to get them up before Christmas and I geared back my ball busting too. It's Christmas.

Everyone gave me a hard time about this one, while sneaking peeks at my progress, saying I swung a little out of my wheel house, etc. But like anything, with time, effort and a lot of love... they found their way and got better,

Might not be as awesome as I pictured, but I don't half hate them either. I'm still finding my style and my way.

I made these out of paper, so everyone can take theirs home that wants them, much like the cartoon characters. I intend to keep doing it that way. I will keep documenting my work and blogging about it. Together... maybe we'll see me turn into a legit artist. Maybe not. But, I'm having fun. Hope you are too.

Hope you had a very Merry Christmas.

Hope the New Year smiles down on you bright!