How's The View?

So many things are different. I’m different. I’m not sure if the people around me have even noticed the change in me. Yeah, I talk about weird shit on my blog and I’ve slipped up a couple times and almost too eagerly mentioned the moon in passing conversations. I notice things. The sideways looks people give each other after one of these “slip ups”, I know people are talking about me in an unflattering light. I know what I talk about on here rubs people the wrong way and that I have opened myself up for ridicule. I accept that. I don’t regret what I’m doing. I’m not ashamed of anything I’ve written or shared. I’m good with it. Short of the controversial topics of discussion on my blogs, I don’t think people have noticed a change in me. I’m still kind, I still joke around a bit, I’m still me. It’s the subtle things. I don’t talk as much. In person, I don’t share my thoughts on things. I don’t talk about myself. I hate small talk, it feels like it’s insincere and empty filler conversation, and that makes me uncomfortable and super awkward. I also can’t talk to anyone about the things I’ve been going through. It’s not relatable or well received. So, I just try to keep myself busy when I’m around people anymore, to avoid small talk and uncomfortable, word vomit.

I will still write and share my experiences. I’m meant to. These subjects of spirituality and spiritual awakenings might not be for you, but that doesn’t mean that someone else doesn’t need what I am able to share. It doesn’t mean that you won’t need it later. So, I will take my lumps and ridicule. I don’t care. I’m not mad or hurt by it anymore. I am who I am, I am going through what I’m going through, and I’m sharing for those who are going through it currently or will go through it later.

My circle has been getting smaller and smaller. That’s part of the awakening, dark night of the soul, and inner child healing process. It’s a solo journey. It’s a lonely journey. I am basically tearing myself and everything I’ve ever known down to nothing. I am rebuilding brick by brick. Anything that does not feel like me, is gone. Anything that doesn’t make me feel good, or make me feel good about myself, is gone. This includes people. No ill wishes. No hard feelings. There is nothing but love and best wishes. I am focused on my self love, forgiveness and keeping myself vibrating high. I am healing myself, letting things go that no longer serve me. I am trying to take this avatar of mine, and mold it back to the person I’m meant to be. A body that matches my soul. That doesn’t mean I’m all “woo woo” and personality lacking. I’m still me. I’m fiery and feisty, a smart ass and fun… but I don’t want to hurt or harm anyone. I don’t want to feed into other people's low vibrating energies. I don’t want to get sucked in; I want to be the safe place/the safe person that you know is rooting for you. That understands you’re on your own path, your own journey, operating within your own hurt. I don’t want to take things personally. I want to encourage and empower you to heal and grow. To love yourself and embrace your passions and soul purposes. To live the life of your dreams. I want to be a light for others… in an ever-darkening world.

Ever since I was a child, I was a little more awake and in touch with something more. We all have series of small awakenings. Small “ahah” moments where we realize things and people and behaviors are no longer for us. Friend circles are often ever changing. Over the years, I have taken little steps back from things that didn’t feel right or good to me. Within these last 5+ years I’ve taken a lot of steps away from things. I feel strongly and passionately about things, but I’m not going to make you think and feel like me. I don’t do that. I’m not going to debate with you. I hate that. I won’t do it. I’m nonconfrontational. It’s not because I’m scared or intimidated by you. In fact, I scare myself sometimes with how I can go from 0-100, if pushed enough. I will be passive and sidestep things for a long time… until I’m pushed to a point where I can no longer. Then I see red. My passiveness and kindness within conflict is not a weakness. Trust me, it is a strength. Sometimes it takes every single ounce of strength in me, not to punch you in the throat. The reason I won’t debate with you or argue… is because it is a waste of time and energy. My time and energy is very, very precious to me. I don’t want other people telling me how to think and live, so why the hell would I ever do that to someone? I can think you’re a fucking idiot. I’m not entirely healed and enlightened yet, and I will admit that some people… I do think they’re fucking idiots. I’m working on that. I can’t wrap my head around different ways of thinking, but I try to make it a point to keep my thoughts and opinions to myself. Live and let live.

Since my most recent spiritual awakening, and the realization on how very isolating and lonely it is, I’ve been taking more and more steps back. I don’t know anyone personally (or at least I’m not aware of anyone) that has had a spiritual awakening or has been going through what I’m currently going through. I have found an amazing community online, but they… like me… are very alone with it where they are too. The best way to describe it, is you live your whole life in a valley. It’s all you’ve ever known. But periodically things and people don’t feel right anymore, so you take a step back. Each step back is slightly inclined. The more steps you take back, the higher up the mountain you go… and the clearer the picture becomes. We all do this or should be doing this. It’s just recently… with my awakening… I’m on a whole different plain than everyone else around me. Let me be clear… I do not think I am better than anyone because of my awakening. It’s just different. I am in a different place than you are right now. And that’s okay. We all learn and grow at different levels and stages. These lessons and stages are custom designed to assist each individual on becoming their higher selves. Some of us get stuck in the same patterns, like a hamster on a wheel. We just keep running in place and reliving the same cycles until we learn, grow and heal from them. It’s when you do the work… that you get rewarded. The universe is like that.

This last year alone, has been the toughest I’ve had in a while. It was my year of total deconstruction and rebuilding. Not an easy thing to do, but I knew I needed to do it. So, I dug down deep and I put the work in. Things that should have broke me… did not. I have been having a glow up. I’m still glowing up. It’s a process. I have had so many trials in my life, designed to break me, but I never let it. I am a phoenix. I always have been. I always come back stronger… and then the universe throws something else at me, and I battle through it. These are the building blocks to leveling up. You have to fight. You have to keep fighting, always. Do not let these trials put you in a victim mentality. You will stay stuck there in that energy. It is a test. All of this is a test designed specifically for you. You agreed to go through these trials, to get you where you are meant to be. These trials are going to make you better. Make no mistake, there will be damage, insecurities, and trauma that come from each trial, that you will have to heal while you’re battling… and it’s fucking exhausting… but it’s work worth doing. You can’t cheat it. If you quit, it will be there waiting for you in the next life. Might as well make the most of this life and give yourself less to struggle through in the next one. And it’s not only that… but look at the people around you that you love and care about… your actions don’t just affect you. You affect the people around you. Your low vibe attitude hurts people. You cause trauma, whether you mean to or not. If you have children and you’re not healing your shit… you’re hurting them. You’re causing them more hurt and trauma that they will need to eventually learn to cope with or heal from. When you lay it out like that… matter-of-factly… it is a no brainer on what the best course of action is, but at the end of the day… the choice is yours. You can do it, it might not be a fun time… but once you get going, you’ll feel so much better. You’ll be so proud of yourself. Your strength and confidence will grow.

This is your journey though. You are doing this, for you and your loved ones. Do not expect recognition or praise. That’s not what this is about, and you will not receive it. You will find, as you better yourself, and step away from the old you that trauma, hurt, judgement, pain, and ridicule made you, people will not like the change in you. You will be harder to control, harder to put down, harder to make feel small. Your light and growth will shine a light on the lack of light and growth in others. They will hate you for it. They might not even know why they hate you… but subconsciously… this is most likely why. It’s lonely. You will be the only one who sees and knowns the work you’re doing. People will not give you the credit you deserve, but rather come down on you on all the ways you’re not doing awesome. You know who you want to be. You know how you want to improve. You can listen to what people say, and if it resonates and you want to improve it… go for it. Or, you can tell them to fuck off. This is your life. This is your journey. You dictate who you become and the heights you can reach. Don’t stop fighting! You can do it! I know you can!