My Confession

I have a confession to make. My goal is to make a lot of funny videos to share with you, to vlog. I do like writing and will continue to blog in writing from time to time, but the ultimate goal is to vlog and post funny little videos. My confession is… I have been putting it off. I am a hider. I haven’t always been a hider though, but the last… 12 years… I have been a hiding from everyone.

No pictures, no videos, I stay in the car to pick my kids up from practice, I sit away from people at their games or different events. I do not want you to see me… because I do not look like myself. I gained weight with both girls and was horribly depressed when I lived in Illinois. It wasn’t as big of a deal out there, because I barely knew anyone. Everyone who had ever known me, was 600+ miles away and couldn’t compare me to my “former glory”. So, I was just fat Alayna… who just had babies, so it’s understandable.

I got a lot of the baby weight off when I moved home from Illinois. Just being back home and around people that loved me… made me so much less depressed. I was shedding the weight slowly but surely and was feeling like myself again. It’s truly amazing what you can do in an environment of love and encouragement. I could breathe again.

I lost a lot more weight after a minor break up. I was really putting the work into it. Insanity every day, I felt like a beast. I was angry working out. I tend to get my best results when I’m pissed off and acting out of rage. It was the first time I looked like a “smoke show” since having kids. The pictures I currently have up on this site are of that time frame. See, I’m even hiding on my website, (I’ll update it with more current “smoke show” pictures, when I get there again (and I will)).

Eventually, I got a new job. The hours were/are horrible… but it’s just the price you pay to make decent money in this area. I have a 45 minute commute 1 way, and we double back… which means you have an 8 hour shift between your shifts. Calculate in my 45 minute commute home and my 45 minute commute back, and I have about a 6 hours and 30 minute window to wind down, get ready for bed, sleep, wake up, and get ready for work. I average 4 hours of sleep on a good day. I started putting on weight… and fast.

I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. I was putting on weight at a rapid rate, I was SO tired all the time… to the point that I was falling asleep on the way home from work… and it was everything I could do to get in the door and to the couch to pass out. I was mad at myself. Everyone else on the job could handle these hours. Why was I having such a hard time?! It made NO sense. Something wasn’t right.

I eventually went to the doctor and discovered the cause. I have hypothyroidism, aka an underactive thyroid. My throat was severely enlarged, so I also had an ultrasound… and luckily there was no thyroid cancer. I have struggled with the medications not working, my levels not being in check, and still feeling severely exhausted all the time. My levels are now in the “norm”, and though I am not AS exhausted, I am still very tired most of the time. It took years to get where I am today, but the damage has been done. I have gained a lot of weight. I look in the mirror and I don’t even know who it is looking back at me.

I have been working out regularly now for a few weeks with VSHRED and I’m turning my garage into a gym… but I’m nowhere near where I want to be yet. So, I have been very hesitant to step in front of a camera so far in my journey, but I eventually will. I might test the waters a bit with some hand videos. Settle down, you freaky fetish types… what I mean is I will most likely shoot videos that only include my hands; like… crafting or baking, etc. Dip my “toes” (or hands rather) in the water to get used to shooting videos on all the different platforms, gain followers, etc.

When I do eventually go in front of the camera, please be gentle. I am just as nervous to go on camera in front of people that know me, as I am to go in front of people who haven’t met me yet (and might troll me in the comments), more maybe. I’m putting the work in, to better myself, but this is also who I am right now. So… I just have to accept that and move on. It is what it is. I am who I am. This is my journey. Fat face and all, I’m still me.

I’m done hiding. I’ll never be that girl who loves to see herself on camera and looks cute, comfortable and confident. I am not a “look at me” girl. It’s going to be awkward and uncomfortable, because I’m awkward and make things uncomfortable. I’m going to say things that are going to leave you double taking and asking yourself, “What did she just say?!” I rarely ever think before I speak, so I’m just as shocked by myself as you are. You are in for a real fat faced treat. I’m not your average Joan. It’s going to get weird. Let’s get weird together.

Here we go!

Are you ready?

Me neither…

Screw it, let’s go!

Lethal \m/