My Father, My Hero.

Today is Father's Day and I've been pretty overwhelmed with emotions about it. I love my dad, you guys. I'll take a little time here to paint you an accurate picture of my dad. To start, he is a talker. As a kid, he would take even the simplest of things and turn it into a lesson. Maybe a little too long winded of a lesson, but they were always good lessons. I catch myself having similar conversations with my girls, these days. I often catch myself after we go from one thing to the next, talking passionately and sharing ideas and feelings... and I realize "oh no, I've done it again... we've been talking for quite a while." Thankfully, my girls are still young enough, that they are engaged and seem to enjoy it, but I also realize I am just one short year away from having a teenager. Our long and engaging talks will most likely start growing very one sided. I've been there... on the other side of it. As a teen, you don't appreciate it like you should, but the lessons stay with you. They stayed with me. And they saved my life. (I'll circle back to that a little later.)

Lessons aside, my dad can also joke and smoke for a long time. When we're getting ready to leave my folks house, it is usually quite the process on getting out the door because he'll keep the conversations going. He'll go from one topic to the next and not even realize that you've been inching closer to and further out the door. God love him. Then there are the times that I have to stop at my parents house before work. If my dad hears me pull up, and comes out of the garage to say hello... I automatically know that I'm going to be cutting it close to get to work on time. And... I will probably have to speed to make up the time. lol

My dad's personality is like most dads, I think. No matter the age, I still get life lessons/talks, he is still protective and gets uncomfortable when I start talking about my ambitious and creative dreams. My folks (were and) are very discouraging of my ambitions because they are worried about my making a wrong choice and causing unnecessary hardships for the girls and I. I know that it comes from fear and love. It can't be easy having a passionate, dreamer, broke the mold kind of kid that can't just comfortably live the 9-5 life. The kind of kid that see's and wants more of life.

My dad is also a jokester. His humor is either corny dad jokes or highly inappropriate and cringey jokes/comments. There is no in between. He is hard working... or at least he was. Haha. He's been retired for about 2-3 years now... so he's slowed down quite a bit. He spends most of his time in the garage, watching tv, talking on the phone with his sisters/buddies, golfing, eating and/or sleeping. He's certainly earned it.

I have been in a very reflective and healing stage in my life. Feeling everything on high. Things I don't want to think about or feel, I'm diving into head first. There has been no hesitation and a total disregard for my safety. Sink, swim, drown... I'm in the thick of it. I have been seeing a lot of my friends posting these amazing pictures of their kids with their husbands. I'm talking huge, happy smiles, dads beaming with love and pride. It's beautiful. I am so happy to see all my favorite families looking so happy and loved. But, if I'm being completely honest, there is a little bit of sadness in the mix for me too. Sadness for myself. But mostly, sadness for my girls. My girls have never known that kind of love from a father. I have never known that kind of support from a partner. And I want that for us, guys. I really, really want that.

We do just fine. Like, my kids are very happy and extremely loved. Where they lack in love and care from a father, I really excel. It's my jam, I'm really good at it. Love and light is essentially what I am made of (that and a little sarcasm and crude humor splashed in too). My girls chose me, before they came into this world. They chose their dad too. There are important lessons and healing they both need to go through and that is why they chose us. I am not perfect, by any means. I have my flaws and short comings, for sure. But their dad is a pretty aggressive soul... aggressive in the exact opposite way of how my soul is aggressive. How can I better explain this? Who he is and what he is about is very dominating and extreme. It's very negative energy. He doesn't even try to hide or curb it. He's quite proud of it. Even while on his best behavior during the little time that he has with the girls, he is very aggressively him. There is always an adjustment period when the girls get back from a visit with their dad. I never pry. I always ask if they had fun and let them tell me about all the fun things that they did while they were out there. Then... a few days later or within the week... we will just being hanging out in a quiet and relaxed setting and one or both of them (after a reflection period or when they no longer want to hold it in) will come to me, one on one. They tell me about different things that happened while they were out there. Some things are small and some things are big or were scary for them. Either way, they are always things that they are not used to or comfortable with. It's hard...

I try to keep a positive spin on the situation. I listen and allow them to openly tell me what ever it is, that they want/need to get out. From there, I have to take a calm approach in an effort to help them heal from it in a positive way. I give them advice and tools that I think will help them healthily process the situation and understand that even adults make mistakes. I reassure them that their dad loves them in his way, he just might not be good at showing or expressing it. Some people have bigger demons within themselves to battle than others. And we cannot change anyone. They have to want to change. I explain that how people treat you has everything to do with how they feel about themselves inside, and nothing to do with how they feel about you. I encourage them to try take all of the good experiences they had from from the trip and cherrish them. And to feel what they need to from the bad, but then let them go.

The girls have shared different stories with me, where their dad had been screaming and belittling their grandmother. They proudly profess how they would stick up for her and attempt to correct his behavior. I'll admit that I too am filled with pride to hear how they understand right and wrong. Pride with how they try to comfort her while taking her away from the situation, giving her the love and support she so desperately needs. Yes... I am proud, but also completely terrified for them too. I explain that, while their actions are admirable, I would prefer they not put themselves in a conflicting situation like that, with their father (I have seen what he can do and I do not want it to happen to them). I encourage them to be grateful that they have a life, where they know that his negative behavior is not right or okay. And to reassure them that their feelings matter and are valued. And remind them that they are safe and incredibly loved. It's so hard guys, but I try to handle it the best way I can for them.

These are some very hard lessons they are learning. Hell, they are hard lessons that I'm learning too. I think my journey of healing and their journey of healing runs parallel and/or is one in the same. They chose me, just as I chose my parents. My parents showed me a life of two people loving each other. They rarely (if ever) fought in front of us. The only fight I remember was when I was a teenager and they didn't agree on the proper way to shut off the shower. And it was more comical then anything. Haha! They laugh and joke with each other. My parents worked hard and cared for us, and we were very loved. They had a mutual love and respect for one another. They weren't out boozing or bashing each other. It was a very normal and wholesome home life. I needed those things then, as much as I needed them 12 years ago.

The healer and empath in me, brought my narcissist ex husband to me (empaths attract narcissistic energies to them, it's a whole thing). It was fated, like it or not, because I had a hard lesson to learn. Hardest lesson of my life. Thanks to my parents love for one another and my dad's strong character, I recognized that I needed to get out of my marriage. Thanks to my daughters, I had the urgency, strength and courage to do so. The combination of those 4 people, triggered my greatest healing and propelled me into my greatest power.

No, my girls do not have a father in their life. They have never really known what it feels like to wake up each morning to a mother and father dynamic, but what they do know is that a woman doesn't NEED a man. That they can be strong and fierce and pave their on way in life, because they have seen me do it ever single day. That doesn't mean they won't want one, later in life... but my hope is that because they have grown up knowing what a good man and a bad man look like, they will not settle for anything less than they deserve. And they deserve the absolute best. My daughters know right and wrong, they know love, and they are getting all the necessary life lessons they need, as we go. I'm not certain, but I don't think that they feel anything lacking in their lives. This is just the life they've always know. They're happy kids. We laugh and joke as much as we cuddle and have meaningful conversations. There is sadness and hard feelings, sure. None of us are immune to those things, but they are gaining the strength and wisdom to over come those feelings.

Just as recently as this week, my 12 year old and I got into a pretty in depth conversation. I am very open and honest with my children, and have explained a little bit about my spiritual awakening to them. I explained that while I had a great childhood and had great parents to raise me... that there were things that I wish had been a little different. Things that triggered different personality traits and mild trauma in me. My kids understand that even adults aren't perfect and we're all just trying to do our best. My parents loved me and had their own things in their lives that they were going through and trying to heal from, just as I am. I told her, that as parents, we try to do better than our parents before us. We try to give our children all the things we needed when we were children. It's a process. We're all just trying to do and be better. I told my daughter, that I hoped that I don't cause any trauma or triggers in them... but it's possible. My hope is that I am a healing and loving presence in their lives. As they get older, they're going to mess up and make the wrong choices. I'm going to do my best to handle it in the best way that I can, but I might mess up too. I just always want them to feel safe and comfortable in coming and talking to me, always. They know that they can tell me things, even things that might upset or hurt me. I want to know how they're feeling, always. It's a dynamic of trust and honesty. It doesn't mean I am going to cave to their emotional manipulation or mind games. I am just as much a hard ass parent as I am a loving nurturing one (haha), but I want to know what's going on with them. So, I hope my purpose in their lives and the reason they chose me... was to be the healing and strong presence they need along their journey and not a trigger to heal from.

And while my girls don't have a prominent father in their life, I want to stress that that doesn't mean they don't have strong male role models in their lives. Their Pappy, my dad, is a big part of their lives. With my job, and wonky work hours, my kids spend a lot of time with my folks, they even have their own bedroom over there (it's mine and my sister's old bedroom). When they were little and growing up, my brother still lived at home and was a big part of their lives. And my boyfriend is a very good man. So make no mistake, they know a good man when they see one, but hopefully they never be reliant on one.

My dad has told me over and over and over my entire life, "No man will ever love you, like I love you. I love you just for being you." As a teen, I took that phrase in an insulting way... almost like "No one will ever BE ABLE to love you." (Sadly, my insecurities go a loooooong way back.) But now, as an adult with multiple relationships and a marriage under my belt... I understand what he meant. And he was 100% correct. No one has ever loved me like my dad. He loves the mere existence of me. There is nothing I could do to shake his love for me. I don't have to do anything for him or be anyone other than myself. He loves me, 100% unconditionally. And he feels that way about my daughters too. So if nothing else, we will always have that. And I'm grateful for it. I'm so grateful for him.

A very heartfelt Happy Father's Day, to my dad.

To my hero. We love you!