My Superpower

Today we’re going to talk about my superpower. It’s a word that triggers some people that feel it’s a made up word that makes a simple ability or intuition sound like a superpower. Well, I’m fully prepared to trigger those people because, I stand by it. I am an empath. My empathy does, in fact, feel like a superpower… so… (sorry, not sorry).

Wikipedia defines empathy as the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference, that is, the capacity to place oneself in another's position. Definitions of empathy encompass a broad range of emotional states. An empath is a person with the “paranormal” ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual. If you believe in that sort of thing, great! If you think it’s nonsense… I’m not going to fight you to change your mind. I really don’t care. Like any superhero with superpowers… they come with a price.

There are really AWESOME things about being an empath and there are some really SHIT things about being an empath. For starters, with me, when a person enters the room, I can FEEL them. What ever they have going on inside them radiates out of them and enters me. I am influenced and effected by them often. If someone is feeling sarcastic and full of banter, I am infected by that and I go there with them, happily. If someone is feeling sad, conflicted or having a bad day, even if they aren’t outwardly portraying it… I feel it. Often, when I check on them and ask how they are, they seem shocked by how I knew or could tell they were going through something. If someone is angry or filled with negative energy… I feel that the most. Those feelings actually cause me to become physically ill. My anxiety goes through the roof and at times I need to leave the room to get myself right again.

Empaths need to find ways to block out the bad, because it will literally eat them up until they have nothing left inside them but those same exact feelings that are actively devouring them. It’s like a cancerous blackness that eats at you relentlessly. I still have not perfected the art of blocking, but I’m working on it. Over the years, I have picked up little tricks to help me ignore or attempt to block those things. At work, I bring plenty of things to do in between my job duties. Anything that I can go to and focus on to distract me from things that take away from me, (e.g. paperwork, drawing, writing, scrapbooking, etc.) I also play music and keep the lights out, but that is more for my generalized anxiety (a whole other blog post) than for my empathy.

Being an empath also gives you the ability to know when a person isn’t putting their real selves out there. You can feel it. You can feel when a person is trying too hard to paint themselves in a different light. It’s a lie and it is, once again, a sickening feeling. I instantly want to be as far away from that person as possible. It’s partly because I do not trust them, but mostly it’s because I do not like how they are making me feel. An empath needs balance in their life and if a person who is pushing so hard to portray, they are something or someone way different than who they are… it throws everything out of balance. And an empath has no control over the effects of that.

Just as we know when you’re not being your true self, we also know when you’re flat out lying or blowing smoke up our asses. We see more than the words you put out, the way you say things, the way your body tenses; we feel when something isn’t right. We feel it far before you even say anything to us. We can feel the shifts in energy… relationships with family, friends, our significant others. We can feel when feelings change, resentments form, conflict builds, you’re pulling away. We feel it. We know. Sometimes we’re to blame, and we know it. Feeling on full all day long, every day, is draining. You are exhausted, always. You need to be alone, you need quiet. You need to recharge and find some peace. You don’t show up as often as you should. You don’t reach out as often as you could. You get why people are upset with you and start leaving you out. You get it, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Being an empath is not like having the average superpower that you can use at will. You have no control. You are, essentially, an open vessel. You are a vacuum with a broken off switch. Without knowing or trying… you are sucking it all in. Every person you pass or are in a room with… you’re sucking their very essence in. Always. Its cool to have this ability to feel everyone, but not everyone is you. Not everyone is good for you. Boundaries are extremely important.

It doesn’t happen often, but sometimes I will meet a person who feels like home. Without knowing them, they walk into your life and you just know… this person is different… this person has something very special going on in them. This feeling or phenomenon has only happened for me… about 3 times in my 34 years of life. I’m not very knowledgeable about this portion of empathy, because it has been very confusing for me. This connection is not necessarily romantic. It’s hard to explain... you come in contact with a person… could be someone you’ve known in passing, just meet, etc. and suddenly something in you unlocks and blows open abruptly. Its like an aha moment, and you are like, “Okay, I see you… but what does that mean?” So, a curiosity forms. A need for knowing why. Why are you special? Is it love at first sight? Are we twin flames? Are we so alike that we are supposed to be best friends? Did we know each other in a past life? Am I supposed to help you? Are you supposed to help me? Why did meeting you send a lightning bolt into my body? Why did us meeting wake me up on the inside so suddenly? Why did my brain and my heart and my soul jump at attention and say… “Pay attention to this person, they are important!” The answer to this question is… unfortunately… I do not know.

The trouble with being an empath in this situation… is that the other people (in all three scenarios for me) are not empaths too. I have been very alone in all three situations. Without them meaning to, it feels like rejection. It makes you feel stupid and like you’ve misunderstood something. You feel foolish. You try to connect, learn about them, figure out who they are and why it’s important for you know them and connect with them. None of them had an experience that screamed at them, “Hey, she’s important… you need to know her.” I just seemed like a cool person and they were glad to know me. Super. That’s great and all… but there is more to it. I know there is… and I’ll never unlock it. I’ll never solve the question of why. I have never connected with someone like me. I know there are more people out there, like me, but we’re rare. I often think about the possibilities of me connecting and finding someone like myself… What could that life be like? What could that love feel like? I’ll probably never know and that crushes me.

One of the biggest prices paid by having an empath superpower is the overwhelmingly heavy feeling of being alone. No one understands you; no one connects with you in the ways you are longing to be connected with, no one loves you… with the same intensity that you love. You are a fully awaken, fully alive being, that has unlocked something so rare and significant inside yourself. You feel everything… you feel everyone... You walk through the woods and can feel everything alive all around you. Nature seems to get you. In nature, no one is taking anything away from you, it’s quite the opposite. Nature is the one place you can go and be recharged. Balance and inner peace restored.

Is being an empath too complex to understand or is it something so simple? I do not know the answer, but at times it haunts me not knowing. What am I doing? Am I living up to my potential? Will I ever unlock the secretes behind why I am how I am? Will I always feel alone? I guess I’ll let you know, when I do.

Sending my love & hoping you solve the questions that haunt you.

Lethal <3