No more excuses...

I haven't written anything in a while. My life, like most others, has been chaotic and stressful. I've been overwhelmed. My job wears me out. I have to talk to people all day long and they are not always kind, rational, or competent in the ways of this world. It takes a lot out of you. My hours are not your typical 9-5 hours. Most shift allow but an 8 hour window to sleep and deescalate from the day before going back in for more. It's hard to have a routine, I'm always exhausted, I'm always behind. This is not ideal, for a single mom, let alone an aspiring entrepreneur.

I don't FEEL good. I never do. I average 1 meal a day because (for as long as I can remember) I have had stomach issues. I've been to the doctor, been tested for many things. Most likely I just have a gluten allergy or something. I have plans to go on a special gluten free diet, but I haven't taken the time to put those plans into action. Seems like a lot of work, and I tend to put new things off, no matter how good for me they may be.

I also discovered I have an underactive thyroid. That was fun. I noticed it when I first started this new job, 6 years ago. I was EXTREMELY exhausted. I would fall asleep on the tail end of my drive into work, as well as the tail end of my commute home. Chewing gum, snacking, soda, windows down, loud metal and singing/screaming... were how I managed. By the time I'd get home it was all I could do to get in the door and pass out on the couch. It was like I had narcolepsy. I had no idea what was happening. I thought I was just being a wimp, due to the work schedule. "Everyone else seems to manage it well enough! Why can't I?!" Then I started gaining weigh hand over fist (did I use that saying right?) My mom noticed my throat was enlarged and encouraged me to go get my thyroid checked. And SURPRISE! Hypothyroidism.

So, I identified the problem, but the process to get the right medication and dosage to have it actually make a difference took time and in that time, the damage was done. I gained so much weight, I can't even stand to look at myself. And even though the medication is keeping my numbers in check and I'm not nearly as exhausted as I was... I'm still always tired and worn out. My job and hours don't help that. I vowed this year to get the weight off, and I will. I moved all of my work out equipment to the garage to set up a proper home gym... but there is no heat or electric out there now due to my dad recently reroofing and siding it. It's been so frigid out and I've been avoiding it. More excuses... you know...

And while I am not on a low FODMAP diet or a gluten free diet, like I intend to try... I have cut all soda out of my life and I am eating mostly salads and healthy meals... (when my boyfriend isn't ordering in food (I mean... it'd be rude not to eat it, am I right?!)). So... I need to really work harder on that, as well as the exercise. I want to feel good. I want to feel like myself again. My self confidence is at a zero. I don't even know who it is that looks back at me in the mirror. I don't like her. I'm ashamed of her. Sometimes, I forget how I look and walk around laughing and talking and being myself... then I walk by a mirror and remember... you're not you. How could anyone take you serious... or love you. And that's really fucking hard. When you want SO badly... to get yourself back... but you keep making excuses to change it. Why?

It's a viscous cycle I'm finding. I avoid and make excuses because...

#1 It's going to be hard as hell. 6 years of weight gain is not going to come right off. It's going to be an ugly and embarrassing process. And I am a hider. Even when I was fit and athletic, I didn't like to be seen. I was made fun of as a teen on how I run, so I was always self conscious. I do not run in front of people. I don't go out running or jogging. My boyfriend tried to get me to run at the track with him over the summers, but I would only walk... because I didn't want anyone to see me running. I know, in my head, that I probably run fine. And my boyfriend has pleaded with me to not care what other people think about me... but I do. I am ashamed of myself. I come from a small town, where everyone knows everyone. I did okay in school. A lot of people know me and my family. And I am ashamed of what has become of me. I hide. I do not want to be seen. I don't care, but I also really do. It's the negative voices in my head. They're all I can hear sometimes, and whether a person is thinking of me in that light or not, to me... they are.

#2 Depression. What more do I need to say? Depression is crippling. As much as I want to change things... depression is always a step behind me holding a weighted blanket to wrap and bind me. Sometimes I feel good and can outrun that bitch... but I can only run so long before I get tired and slow to a stop and rest. She's always right there to wrap me in darkness. I hate her and I love her. It has been a constant battle of light and darkness with me.

#3 I have (undiagnosed but textbook) ADHD. I avoid anything that I don't want to do or seems too hard. I would rather live in my head and tell myself that I need to plan it to a T before ever even attempting to execute the plan. I make lists. It's the only way I get things done. It's like a star chart for my adult brain. "Look, you did this! Doesn't that feel good?! Do another!" I am an avoider, a runner, and a hider. I am my own worst enemy.

I say I don't have time for all the things I need or want to do, but I do. Lately... I have been so overwhelmed and overloaded... that I do anything to avoid being in my head. I don't want to have to constructively think or solve any of my own problems. I spend my workdays, doing that for everyone else. I retreat home to the comfort of my recliner, a warm blanket and a Netflix TV series. (Reign, of late... thanks for asking). It's already February... and I have done little to turn my life around.

Forget about FEELING good and BEING healthy... I also have wickedly vast and nearly insurmountable side ambitions. I desperately want a peaceful place to come home to. Something of my own in the country. A quiet, peaceful place to recharge and not be distracted so I can work on my happiness and the side projects that bring me comfort and joy. A place my children can run free and explore. I always wanted dogs and a treehouse. When I move that is the first thing we're doing. They're nearly too big for a treehouse. My clock has been ticking for years... and it has become deafening loud in these last 2-3 years.

I am failing myself. Honestly, I know my girls are okay. They are mostly content with their lives here in this little house in town. It's all they've ever know. I know I am not failing them by providing them with all the things they need. They are so incredibly loved and cared for. I have always been a fun and silly mom while also instilling all the important core values, teaching right from wrong, and have been consistent in correcting their bad behavior. They are great girls. Smart, happy, healthy, wonderful girls. We have so much fun but they also know what I expect of them. I have not failed them as a mother. But I want more for them and I will never stop pushing for that. I have made choices in the past that have ultimately hindered our forward progress of a new home in the country. Things just didn't pan out. Circumstances changed and now I am stuck with a mortgage on property we cannot live on/in... and paying rent where we currently live. There is not a whole lot of saving room on a one person salary to save enough to do what I want. I have hard decisions to make in the next few months to decide what the best course of action is with my current property.

In the meantime... while I am deciding on what to do with that property... I can be getting healthy, feeling better, building confidence to get in front of a camera, and I can stop hiding and start living my life. I want to write books, make money posting fun videos, and get things rolling. I am sorry, that I am so money driven, but in this society... money is needed to get the things you want. And getting a piece of property to finally feel at home and put roots down... it absolutely everything to me. I have it in my head that that is how I will finally find peace in my life. I know I can work on finding peace in what I have now... and in ways I am trying to... but I don't want to cut myself too much slack. I don't want to get too comfortable and settle. I need to drive myself to work harder and make these things happen in our lives. Not tomorrow. Today.

No one is coming to save me. It is up to me.

I am going to put my excuses aside and stop avoiding. It's an injustice to myself. It's time to make my lists and start crossing shit off in a bigger way. I hope to have some new and exciting news to write about in my next blog. Steps in the right direction. A plan and the unrelenting drive to make it a reality.

Enough talk. It's time for action.

Lethal