Patience Is A Virtue

One of the BIGGEST things that I struggle with, is patience. Don't come at me with "typical millennial, wants everything right now." I was born in '86, friend. I'm on the upper side of the stereotype. I played outside as a kid, lived a good 15 or so years before the internet and cellphones were an everyone thing, I got in fist fights (okay one) and the police were never involved, my parents beat my ass when I needed it, I was held accountable for my actions, and I know in order to get the things I want in life... I need to work hard for them. No one is going to hand me anything. I'm well rounded. Don't get me wrong, I binge watch tv series like nobodies business, and I don't want to wait around to find out what happens next. I am impatient as they come, but it has nothing to do with when I was born.

I am an Aries. I'm going to pause a moment... so you can get your eye rolls out of the way... or give you a moment to click out of this blog all together. Some people are just so close minded and want to shit on anything they don't agree with, or can't understand. None of that here. You don't have to agree, but you can take your negativity elsewhere. I follow astrology and tarot. I'm not naïve enough to believe in everything I see and hear, but there is definitely something to it. I approach astrology and tarot like I approach the paranormal and religion... I'm open to it, I believe in it, but I don't believe everything I see and hear. Everything is not always black and white. The gray areas of things, are my jam. Not everything is cut and dry. Life is messy and confusing. People read into things or manipulate things out of fear, desire, personal agendas, etc. A skeptical and logical approach is always wise... but you've also have to trust your gut, intuitions and emotions too. That's how I operate with most things.

So, back to it... I am an Aries. An Aries is born between March 21st and April 19th. Aries are passionate, motivated, and confident leader types. We have a cheerful disposition and relentless determination. We often get frustrated by exhaustive details and unnecessary nuisances. We are brave, concentrated, self-assured, optimistic, and honest go getters. We are prone to mood alterations and we are quick tempered, impulsive, aggressive and IMPATIENT! These traits are so textbook, me.

It makes sense that I am an aspiring entrepreneur. I have BIG ideas and aspirations, I march to the beat of my own drum and I have the drive, grit and determination to bring these things to fruition. Now, I've stumbled into this new level of life. I'm unlocking all these new and empowering gifts from my spiritual awakening. I keep learning so much about myself that just keeps clicking. I'm in the period of time in my life where I have to do some dark inner work and healing. That's where I am right now. Heal my past trauma's, and learn to love myself more. Don't misunderstand... I love who I am. I have always loved who I am, and known my worth. I've talked about it before, I always knew who I was, I always felt connected to something more, I've always felt like there was an entire universe inside of me. People didn't understand me and I always felt very alone. But in that, I never wanted to be anyone else. I wanted to fit in and I think I did people please, but I always stayed me. People saw my odd quirks, habits and bits of my mind I put out there, but I also had all these other relatable and likable qualities, so it was easier to shrug it off. Humor was my armor. Humor is still my armor. I have always used humor and sarcasm to fit in, lighten stressful or uncomfortable situations and to deflect. Ever since high school, I devolped a defense mechanism of slamming myself in a jovial way with humor. I would always beat everyone to the punch most of the time. I like taking away people's power to hurt me. The trouble in doing this though... is I started believing the things I would say about myself. The times I would slam myself to keep myself safe from others was one thing. But those words started being spoken silently in my head in the times no one was around trying to hurt me or make me feel small. It's my familiar demon, we're close friends. But even though I am mean to myself, I also really love myself. I know what I'm made of. I feel the care and warmth of my heart. I hear the words in my head that want to pick people up and empower them to be everything they can be. I see people through my eyes. The world is different these days. Values and morals aren't being instilled as often throughout the generations. People aren't made like they used to be. Things are backwards. So backwards. But that doesn't mean that everyone is bad. In a world of ignorance, no accountability, lust, greed, and pure disregard for love and life... there is still good in the world. Goodness in people. Beauty in the simplicities of life. I see it, and when I see it... I appreciate it in such a huge way. Goodness in people and in the world, moves me, restores me. I'm sensitive to things. It's not a weakness, it is a strength.

I always had this vision that if someone loved and cared for me enough, to look me in the eyes... they'd see it. They would see me. They'd see that endless universe inside me. The depth of my soul, the fire in my belly, the warmth in my heart and the light that radiates in and around me. I could always feel it. I always knew I was meant for big things, I just never really knew what it was, (I'm still not entirely sure). I have things that I am passionate about and want to pursue, so I have always just embraced that and let it guide me.

It's weird... I have always been a sensitive kid. Felt everyone deeply and with care.

(Be prewarned... these next few paragraphs my ADHD shows by way of story telling, but I couldn't take it out. It's part of my reflective inner child healing and self awareness growth/self love that I that I am going through right now, (as mentioned above).)

Recently I have been thinking a lot about a memory from when I was a young child. During this time of self discovery and healing and growing... this memory keeps being brought to the forefront of my mind. It's like it keeps being put there, to make sure I understand how long I have been like this. In this memory, I am young (5ish) and we were in church. I was sitting between my mom and my grandma. Everyone was singing hymns and I noticed someone's voice(s) singing but they didn't match everyone else's. I scanned the pews to try to locate the voice's. I realized the singing was coming from two men. They were probably in their 40's at the time, and they sounded different from everyone else. They looked a little different too. They were twin brother and there with a man and a women about my grandmother's age, so I guessed it was their parents. I very quietly inquired to my grandmother, something along the lines of, "Why do those men sound different when they sing?" She quietly explained that they were mentally handicapped, (I apologize I am not sure what the correct terminology is anymore for these things). I grew very quiet and reflective. I felt a rush of emotions and empathy. I felt sorry for them for their hardships, I felt sorry for them for the cruelty they had experienced from mean hearted children and people (almost as if I could see how people looked and pointed at them from their eyes), but I also felt... joy too. At that very moment, they were in church, they were with their family, they felt safe and they were singing their hearts out, (I could feel it in them). I teared up. I was overcome by all these emotions. I just remember burring my head into my mom and quietly sobbing. It's weird... I never had a very close relationship with my grandmother, but I remember her trying to comfort me by rubbing my back while I released all those emotions quietly to myself. Maybe she saw me that day. Maybe she is the one who keeps pushing that memory in my head these past several weeks. Did someone see little 5 year old empath me?

I'm also reminded of all the other times as a young child that my empathy stuck out. Again, I was in elementary school, (around 5-6 again), it was during the winter and the bus stop we stood at was in front of a health center. The parking lot was plowed into great big mounds of snow behind where we stood on the sidewalk. There were 2 bullies at the bus stop... high school kids... a lot older than my sister and I. We always steered clear of them, and stood as far away from them as possible and minded our own business. We kept our heads down, so we didn't become targets for their ridicule, my sister and I could be very shy when we were little like that. I just remember them throwing snowballs at the kids at the bus stop. It's a vague and fuzzy memory... and sometimes I'm not even sure if it's real... but I remember they were hitting kids in the face with snowballs and they were all getting really upset over it. I didn't even really know anyone at the bus stop at that point, aside from my sister, but I could feel the anger and need for justice rise in me like a rush of hot water filling my body until I snapped. I ran up the back of the snowbank and leapt on top of the tall (and main) bully, grabbing him by the neck and hanging on for dear life. I remember being swung around. I don't really remember what happened after that though. It's just gone. My sister doesn't remember it happening... which makes me doubt myself and wonder if I imagined the whole thing or not, but I swear it happened. It still feels too real to be my imagination, but I was so young. I'm just not sure.

I also have memory of a girl on the bus being bullied. She was older than me (my sisters age), and the kid making fun of her was also older than me (my sisters age) but I could feel how bad he was making her feel. Something in me snapped again and I got up and turned around and yelled at him to stop. This made him stop picking on her and turn his energy on me. I still remember his words from that day, not because they hurt (they're actually pretty comical now), but because I remember feeling her pain and that rush of impulsive and uncontrollable adrenaline that demanded I stand up for her. He said to me "Doesn't she look like the little girl on the Shake and Bake commercials?! "It's Shake and Bake and I helped!"" Everyone laughed, but I didn't care. I could feel the relief come over the other girl and that made me feel better.

Looking back, I had that feeling a lot. That pain I would feel coming from other people or empathy for a person who couldn't or wouldn't stand up for themselves. I could never standby and let it happen. I was a kid and not in control of my emotions yet, and back then it was just like a rubber band snapping. I could take so much, then I was done.

There was another night where my two cousins stayed the night. My sister and I slept in one bed and the boys slept in the other. We were supposed to be sleeping, but couldn't. We were talking and laughing back and forth pretty late into the night. My mom poked her head in the door to tell us to quiet down and go to sleep. When she left, the boys started mocking her. (It's so silly now, but at the time it seemed like a big deal.) They kept making fun of her name. "Barbie Doll, Barbie Q" things like that. I guess it was the disrespect they had for her that bothered me, because their words weren't all that harsh. They wouldn't stop and again... I became rage filled. I needed to protect her honor. They were both stronger than me, but my older cousin was especially tough, (he was always the one to beat during our karate matches). He was the only one that would have given me trouble at that rage filled point, I knew that, but I didn't care. I was seeing red. I ripped the blankets off and leapt across the beds pushing my older cousin off the bed and wailing on my other cousin. My older cousin recovered from the surprise attack and came at me. I fought the two of them like a maniac. This caused my mom to come back in the room. I was the one that got in trouble, she made me sleep on the couch. I found out later, as adults from a couple of my cousins, that they used to make a game of my sensitivity and high emotions. They used to be really mean to me, to see how much I could take before I would go out in a field and sit by myself with the dog. So sweet.

And the last story I'll share was something I mentioned earlier, up above, my first and only fist fight. I was about 7 years old and playing out back with my neighbors. They were years younger than me, but we had a good time together. For some reason that day... one of the bullies from town... a girl that was in my grade, but a year older and a lot bigger, must have heard us playing and wandered down my driveway. We were not friends, we barely spoke in school. She was not a nice person and I wanted nothing to do with that kind of energy, so I was confused as to why she'd show up in my yard. It was clear that she only ventured back to be cruel and started saying horrible things to us. I could hold my own when it came to bully talk, I was one of the biggest swearing kids in the grade, so I had good come backs. lol But she started saying nasty things to the neighbor kids, one of which was like 5 years younger than this girl. Again, I could feel them getting really upset and I just snapped again. I don't really remember much after that. I legitimately blacked out. It wasn't until my mother heard the commotion and came out on the back porch and yelled that I snapped out of it. I was sitting on top of her in the driveway and I had been pounding on her Christmas Story style. My mom told me to get off her and for her to go home. And that was that.

Those are just a handful of stories that always stood out in my memories. There are so many smaller, day to day stories all throughout my life. I have always been hypersensitive to everyone around me. I was friends with the popular kids all throughout school, and you know how those kids can be to kids that don't quite fit into what they feel is cool. I always hated that. I always tried to curb the conversations, or get up and walk away when they started acting like that. I wanted them to know I wouldn't take part and disapproved. It wasn't cool, they weren't cool. I would even go as far as walk over to those other kids in those times and hang out with them instead. I liked everyone... and I never wanted anyone to feel anything but happiness and acceptance when I was around them. It was always genuine and I never had any ulterior motives. It was never a popularity thing. I always wanted everyone to feel seen and I wanted to have a positive connection with them. It's what mattered most to me in my heart. As a young empath, I knew how it felt to be treated poorly, the pain, the sorrow, the hurt. I knew from my own first hand experiences and the secondary empath experiences. I hated it. So, I never wanted to treat anyone like that. I was a kid, I didn't have much power in the world... but I could do that. I could be that person.

And now, here I am... fresh from a spiritual awakening... doing all the inner child and shadow work that I am supposed to be doing right now. I am finding with all my efforts, research and new spirit work that I am most likely a healer. I'm on this earth to help people heal. I'm not a healer in the sense of, "I'm going to place my hands on you and you're going to be healed." It's not at all like that, from my understanding... I attract broken people. My past relationships; case and point.😏 And I am supposed to kickstart healing and possibly other's awakenings, via my relationships with those around me or through writing. That is my best guess anyways. And that is also why I have felt compelled to start blogging again. I'm not sure people understand why I'm blogging. I think people think I am oversharing or looking for attention. It's not at all like that. I am not perfect, and I don't know all the answers, but I also know that I am not the only person going through the different things I have gone through or am going through. I share, because... maybe it will help someone who is going through it. Maybe you aren't going through any of this kind of stuff right now and cannot relate. That's okay. Maybe you do go through it later in life and can come back here for perspective. Maybe it clicks for you then. Maybe you know someone going through it and send them this way. This might not solve anyone's problems... but maybe it helps them not feel so crazy or alone. I know in blogging I am opening myself up to ridicule. I don't care. Anyone who is going to ridicule is not here for the right reasons. And I'm not writing what I'm writing for them.

You'll see a theme in my writing where I write upbeat and positive things, then turn around and defend myself from people that judge. Trauma response. So many times in my life I have been with people who have not seen my worth and who could not or would not love me. I have been with people who have tried to destroy me. This isn't just people in my life that I have been romantically involved with. I have people in my everyday life that try to break me or make me feel small or doubt myself. It happens a lot. I think they think they are being subtle about it, but in being an empath... hidden and secret things scream at me. I used to over explain myself or deflect. I don't anymore. It's about blocking negative energies and conserving my own. I am learning.

My spirit is one that cannot be broken. That much, I'm certain. When I love... I love hard and unconditionally. I have always had a love/hate relationship with my disregard for protecting my heart. I am what and who I am, and there is no secret about it. I am an open book. I also have a love/hate relationship with that. It is a full on disregard for myself. I see a person, I feel them, and I go to them with open arms. It's like I have a sign over my head that reads, "Use me for what you need to heal, don't worry about me." I let people disregard me. And every time, I pick up the pieces, dust myself off and offer my love to the next broken soul. They're drawn to me. Over and over and over. I have almost convinced myself that in this life... I am not meant to be loved. I am just here to give love, and that's my soul purpose. People can't seem to love me how I need, or the people I draw in and choose to give my heart... just flat out can't love me like I need. It's a reoccurring pattern with me. Maybe I am a wingless angel... and all my ambitions and desire to be loved is wrong and selfish. I have pondered that for years... and I still do. I question which thought or hope I should hang onto, and which one I should let go of. I'm still not sure. I just keep doing what I do and hope the answer becomes clear.

The tarot cards continue to tell me that I am manifesting all the things that my heart has been longing for. All the things I want are coming to me... but to be patient. Well... I don't really have much of a choice, now do I? They are all the same, over and over and over. "Your spirit's are with you and they see all your struggles. You have been putting in the work and they are smiling on you for it. All the things you have wanted are coming." That's the gist. They have said more detailed things too. Again, all the same. Everything resonates. It's become a bit of a test with me. Could it be true? It's consistent, I'll give them that. It'd be cool if it is, but we'll see. I won't hold my breath, but I won't rule it out either. BE PATIENT. That's the part that's hard. That's the part that pisses me off. lol

I am 35 years old now... I'm fairly certain my mothering bits are starting to fail me. That dream of having a baby or two with my forever husband... feels like it's slipping away. My desire for a house in the country, and a big treehouse for my girls... I've been patient enough on that. 10 years waiting... and I fear more and more by the time it happens they'll be too old and too cool to play in treehouses anymore. The NEED of a safe and peaceful place to come home to... when my anxiety keeps amping up to the point I am physically ill and beaten down and dreading the thought of going into work for another day... is still out of reach. Profitable side projects? Be patient. Passionate hobbies? Be patient. Feeling safe and loved fully and unconditionally. Be patient. It's a struggle. It's a struggle because so many aspects of who I am... is fire and drive and passion and a go big or go home mentality. Lots of highs and lows. I know everything I want and need. I have a direction, plans, drive and dedication. I have what it takes. What I don't have is patience. It feels like the universe is testing me. This is the final exam and if I don't get it in check... I'm going to fail. I worry my spirit guides are going to say, "She can't just chill and let go of control... she's not ready yet." And my manifestations are going to fizzle away again until I cant get things in check.

Devine timing. That's what they call it in the spiritual world. Prior to that, I held tight to the phrase, "Everything happens for a reason." I'm trusting in this. I don't know if I'm just here to love and heal others. I don't know if I will ever be seen and loved like I desire. I don't know if I'll ever do or be all the things I have dreamed. I don't know. All I know is right now... I am supposed to be healing myself and loving myself. I am supposed to be appreciating the things I have. And I do have some truly wonderful things going on in my life and truly beautiful people to share my life with. I need to keep loving and trusting. I need to keep healing and growing. I need to let go. Come what may...