Perception

It’s been brought to my attention, that my blogs come off as narcissistic and that I think I’m better than everyone. Hearing that, was upsetting. I’m not going to lie or put on any fake faces or masks about that. I want to start by saying, I don’t think I’m better than anyone because of my spiritual awakening. I flat out say that a couple times in my blogs. Yes, I had one. I didn’t just decide to have one, these things just happen to people. These things might happen to you, and I am simply documenting my experiences to help others later (or currently) who go through it too. It is an isolating journey. One I didn’t choose. And obviously you cannot talk about it because it clearly pisses people off and makes them feel like you think you’re better than them or that you’re crazy and an unfit mother. All of which are things that have recently been implied about me.

To start, this is not an attack piece. I will not talk further to anyone about the above, and what occurred. It is a private matter, and I am trying to handle it as best as I can. But, I also blog about my journey… and sadly... this has become part of it. I spoke about stepping away from people and things that no longer make me feel good. That is the process of healing. You tear yourself down to nothing and rebuild with only the best, healthy, and healed parts of you. It’s a fresh slate, to become the most authentic you. You have to do that, alone. You have to do that in a safe and quiet space, by yourself, so that there are no outside sources trying to mold you to what THEY want/think you to be. It takes a lot of calm, peace and quiet to properly hear yourself. And time. It takes a lot of time. You don’t talk about the details or the process with people, while you’re doing this. People interject themselves whether they mean to or not. Honestly… I personally have come to a point in my life, where I don’t go to outside sources for my questions/concerns. I do not seek out others, to solve my problems. I haven’t for a while. I have all the answers I need, within me. We all do, and if we listen hard enough, it all becomes clear. Intuition and gut feelings are usually your higher self, setting you straight on things. Inner monologs (should you have them (because some people don’t)) are a very valuable way of sorting your shit out. And I’ve always internalized everything anyways, it’s just how I work through my things. Some people need to talk to others, some people don’t like doing that. I’m the latter.

It’s true, the process of stepping away from people quietly, (even if it comes from a place of love and zero resentment) can still be hurtful. I get that. I empathize with the people I have done this too over the years. It was never a shot or my way of hurting anyone. That’s not who I am, or what I do. I’ve been doing it for a while, and I’ve tried a lot of times to go back to old routines, etc. I was just not able to, my body and my mind kept resisting. I had to listen to my body and rest. I make no apologies for that. I found I was trying to do too much, when my energy was just completely tapped out. I had to conserve my time and energy towards working to provide for my children and being home and there for my children. Chalk on a thyroid disorder and a horrible work schedule, it’s a perfect recipe for exhaustion. I am the only one in my friend circle, that is a single mom. I have been in survival mode for over 15 years now. I’m just living. I’m just trying to keep all my plates spinning. I am sorry if the combination of these things resulted in hurt feelings. That was never my intention, but it appears that is the case. I’m sorry for my part in your hurt.

As far as my blogs feeling narcissistic, I don’t really know what to say. They say that narcissists and empaths are both created due to past trauma. The difference being, a narcissist cannot and will not grow from the trauma, and instead they regress and live in the toxicity and try to bring people down with them, where empaths take their trauma and transmute it. They become extra sensitive in order to read people in an effort to help and heal them. I hope that anyone reading my blogs can see what my blogs are geared towards. Maybe not though. I don’t know. You see, no matter how genuine and well intentioned you are, people will perceive you in a million different ways, depending on where they are and how they are feeling. It is not for me, to tell you how to feel about me and what I write. It’s wasted time and energy. If you come here because my blogs are encouraging and helpful... I'm really glad. That's what they are here for. If you come here to get dirt, to judge and talk shit. I'm sorry for you.

I’ve said it more times than I can count now; my blogs are not to tell you how to live. They are not out to tear you down or make you feel bad about where you are on your journey. You are EXACTLY where you’re meant to be. It’s like raising kids… they all develop differently. One kid might excel in speech, but behind or average in their motor skills, etc. That doesn’t mean any child is better or worse than the next. That is, hand to my heart, how I feel. I get passionate and creative with my wording… because I’m passionate and creative in what I’m talking about. They’re pep talks. Words of encouragement. It's me sharing my story, that I am so passionate about. It's inspiration, should you want or need it. I am not trying to make anyone feel bad about themselves, quite the opposite, actually. I’m not out to keep a tally on who the better human being is. It's not like that. I didn’t want this, I didn’t ask for my life to be shaken up like a soda bottle, and hey… why not add some mentos in the mix (my awakening). Get everyone good and pissed off. I didn’t ask for this, but it happened and I’m working through it. I’m sharing my journey because it’s been a difficult and lonely one… and should you ever go through one too… maybe my words and struggles and discoveries will help you with your journey. Maybe in my sharing this with you, it won't be as difficult to process and maneuver through, as it has been for me. Am I better than I was, because of my awakening? Absolutely. The only person I am trying to be better than, is the person I was yesterday. That is literally the ONLY person, people should be competing with or comparing themselves to. I am rooting for you. But it's you vs. you, and no one else. Whoever that is, whoever that’s going to be. It’s your fucking journey… and it’s a great one. THEY ALL ARE! I don’t know how to make that any clearer. All I can do is share my experiences in hopes that they HELP who ever needs them. Not hurt them. Never fucking hurt them.

In everything I’ve researched or read, people I’ve listened to online who are also going through it, etc.; they all had this happen. People get mad. Your growth and healing triggers the lack of growth and healing in low vibrational people. People don’t understand what you're going through, they don’t even want to try to. That’s okay, but in turn they reject it. And that’s okay too. But, then they take it a step further and gossip about you. They take the smidgen of glimpse they can see from the outside looking in and decide that you’re in a crisis. They decide you’re going through a psychological episode. They decide you’re crazy. I guess that’s okay too… it’s kind of shitty, but who am I to tell you how to live.

I don’t really know how stepping back from things that don’t feel good to you and focusing on your family is a bad thing. I don’t see how taking time to look at my faults and triggers and healing them, so I feel good, is a bad thing. I'm not sure how trying to build a life for yourself that makes you feel happy and fulfilled is a bad thing. I’m not sure how praying to God and feeling you have angels looking out for you… is such a far-fetched concept. Religion has been around for centuries… I’m just less into the hateful/scornful God fearing aspect of religion. I’m curious and open minded about outside the box concepts. I find them interesting. What the hell, is so bad about who I am now? I’ll tell you. Not much. I’m in a really good place with who I am and who I am becoming. I’m trying to be a good person, that feels good. I want you to feel good too if you want to. I’ll help you if I can, and if you want me to. That’s entirely up to you. I have boundaries in place now and I keep to myself a little bit more. A lot of people do that. It can be a very therapeutic and healing thing. Live and let live. Don’t worry about me. I’m good. Better than I’ve been in a long time.

Hope you’re doing well too and if you’re not, I hope you can get there.