Progress

I had a good day today. I went outside, blew up a new sunbathing inflatable (that you put water in), blew up a pool for my kids, put on some music, and I relaxed. I spent a lot of time looking at the sky, the clouds, and in my head talking and thanking God for all the little and big things in my life. It was... well needed and felt so good. My kids were laughing and playing in the background, songs were playing that reminded me of different times in my life and different people I've shared those times with, there was such warmth and comfort in the simplicity of my life and just... living. Today was a big deal for me. Such a simple thing it is to just go outside and enjoy the day, but for me... that was not always such an easy thing to do. It was always a difficult task or concept for me. I have let a lot of things consume me, in the past. I do not like where I live. I don't like the house, I don't like that I can't do much to change the house, I don't like living in town, I don't like some of my neighbors, I don't like being seen and not having peace or privacy. I still don't like those things, but it doesn't consume me anymore. I went outside today IN A SWIMSUIT, I laid in the sun, and I didn't care who saw me. Not only did I not care who saw me, I felt grateful and thankful and blessed.

People don't really understand what is going on with me, lately. My "spiritual awakening." It just makes people look at me weird or scoff and talk shit about me behind my back. It's okay, though. Truly. I'm not even mad about it. It's been a crazy confusing process. Hard. It has NOT been all rainbows and butterflies. I've been in dark, dark places within myself. I've felt hurt, betrayed, misunderstood, unappreciated, undervalued. crazy, obnoxious, small, large, depressed, happy... you name an emotion... I've had it. It's not a smooth process. I didn't handle it with grace in the beginning. I've seemed wishy washy, distant, obsessive, hot, cold, connected, disconnected... it's been a fucking ride. But it's all been necessary to get me where I am today.

I have had to heal past trauma's. I have had to look at myself in every angle and ask myself "Why do I DO that?" or "Why am I LIKE this?" I've analyzed every stage of my life, every interaction I've ever had with anyone... everything. I've had to sit with it, even the embarrassing or cringey times and force myself to relive it, refeel it, process it, understand it and release it. There is no blame pointing on anyone for anything. Things happen. Most people are like me, and just going through life the best way we can. No one is perfect. Everyone has room for growth and improvement. I had to go through the things I went through, to learn. I made choices. I reacted and proceeded as I did and here I am today. I forgive the people that hurt me, and I forgive myself too. I'm just trying to learn from it and grow. I'm trying to be better, I still have much to learn.

I use to put so much pressure on myself to change things in my life, to change things in myself and to be better. TIME! Time was a big stress factor. Rush, rush, rush! I'm dying, I'm running out of time! I am an impatient person. I am an alfa with shit to do. Goals and ambitions. Ticking clocks. That's one thing I still struggle with a bit, but a lot less as of lately. I would also stress and worry that I was screwing up my life. If I wasn't sure about a choice I had made or felt I would need to make, I'd worry myself to death over it. I would lay up at night and the anxiety would build and build into full blown panic attacks. I don't really worry anymore. As far as I'm concerned, the universe will present me with different options and choices. I have a path that is going to lead me to my best life. The one that grows me in all the ways I need. I'm destined for it. Before I was reborn into this life, that path was set for me... I knew about it... then I arrived and forgot it all. Every now and again... I get a flutter or a fire inside when I'm touching on things meant for me and my souls journey. I'm listening to that, and I always have. They are signs. My spirit guides, angels and ancestors have been giving me signs my entire life. And yours have been doing the same thing for you. I'm just listening a lot harder now. And I do hear them... and take note when things happen, but I'm trying to hear them better and in bigger ways now. I'm trying to grow spiritually. Open myself up to more. Something bigger than me. Something bigger IN me. And now, I don't worry if I mess up or make the wrong choice. When you choose wrong, it's because you're not yet ready for that progression and it becomes a lesson. You keep repeating this same cycle until you learn the lesson and make the right choice to further your journey. Your path is always there. If you take a wrong turn, you'll circle around and come back to those crossroads again. Just keep moving forward and do what feels right inside. You'll get there. I will too.

I don't get compliments much. People in my life don't often tell me, that they see me. They don't see the strides I take, the mountains I climb inside, the growth I'm making. They might see little changes in me here and there but it's not often noted or voiced. That's okay, I don't need the validation. I know. That's what matters. Unfortunately, more often than not now, I'm told all the things I need to do better. People feel all too comfortable telling me how I should be living my life, things I should be doing, how I should be living and thinking and doing. It used to stress me out really bad and add to my anxiety. I'm in a good place now though, and I'm actively working my way towards better places. I've made peace with myself, my life, my journey. I don't need anyone telling me what I should be doing, I already know. No one has any idea what I've been working through. No one truly knows all the things that I feel. The depth of my connection to something more. People can only meet you on the level they are on. I'm not in sync with most people in my life anymore. And that's not a bad thing. I do not feel like I am better than anyone... it's not like that. It's just that they can't understand me or the journey I am on anymore. It's unrelatable, uncomfortable, and it's a concept often rejected. I understand why, and I'm not upset about it. But, I also will not entertain anyone anymore that tries to bring me down to a level that I've surpassed. I don't live there anymore and I'm not coming back. I have boundaries in place now.

Anyways, it's been a great weekend. I've worked hard and I've been really productive in all aspects of my life. I'm really proud of myself. I really love who I'm becoming and where this journey has taken me. I don't need validation from others, on my efforts and battles won. Everything I need, is within. I'm fierce, I'm beautiful, I'm strong, I'm loving, I'm balanced, I'm rare, I'm nurturing, I'm skilled, I'm evolving, I'm enough, I'm a warrior and so many other wonderful things. I have a soul tribe, that has seen every struggle and triumph. They have seen me and felt me, and loved me even in my worst and darkest times. And I feel that now. I know. What an incredible day. What an incredible life.

And even though you don't need to hear it, I'm going to tell you...

You're rare and incredible. You can do anything you put your mind to.

And if all you did today is wake up and get through the day, I'm proud of you.

It all matters. You matter. Keep going.