The Leap

What is your dream? When you think about the perfect life for YOU, what is it? Take away all the noise and expectations of everyone around you. What is YOUR dream? What’s stopping you from making those dreams a reality? The answer… is your limiting beliefs. The answer is you.

I have had passionate dreams about my future for as long as I can remember. Over the years I have wanted to be a professional softball player, a rock star, a vet, a police officer, someone who did extreme sports, a writer, a comedian, an artist, own a recording studio, own a club that hosts concerts, own an event center and host all kinds of events, own a party barn and host events, open a school of rock for kids, open a skatepark, open an animal rehab, open a little hand crafted shop, be a Youtuber/vlogger, have my own web show(s), open my own business clearing land/properties for people who can’t manage it on their own. To make the world beautiful again. Some of these dreams have faded as I’ve gotten older, and some have only grown, in my aspirations towards them.

I never really talked about the things I wanted to be or do, when I was young. I was called obsessive when I talked about the things that I was passionate about. I learned to internalize most things about myself. I scribbled in notebooks, prayed, made plans, drew up blueprints, and spent a lot of my days in my head dreaming about a better life. A lot of what I was about… seemed to be a phase to most. Something I’d outgrow. Of all the things I listed above… I still like playing ball, but there is no career in that. I don’t want to be a police officer anymore, especially with the state and mentality of the people these days. I will flat out tell you, if you think the police are the problem… YOU are the problem. I support the police 100%. They are people, just like you and me. Brave as they come. So, rant aside, no… I no longer want to be a police offer, but I love and respect our men and women in blue. They will always have my love and support. I am also not very good with blood and broken bones. I get sick, I am so sensitive and empathetic that I literally feel the pain when I see that stuff, so that pretty much ruled out a vet for me… but I still knew I wanted to work with animals in some way. Having a rehab, is still something I am passionate about doing. I still want to be a rockstar (just a quiet one), I still want to have a recording studio (just my own personal one), and I still want to have a place to have concerts (even if it’s just local bands). Everything else I mentioned, I still want to do. I have more ambitious goals than the average person. I don’t need to DO them all, but I’m striving for a combination of all the above. Whatever syncs up… is what will be.

I have no shortage of BIG dreams and BIG ambitions. The vision and the fire in my chest have always been there. So… why am I NOT doing any of those things now? I’m 35 years old. What do I have to show for it? The truth is, I have been getting in my own way… or rather… my limiting beliefs, the fear, the hesitation, the lack of confidence, and my listening to everyone around me, has been getting in my way. I have always known exactly what I wanted in life. Always. It’s changed in little ways over the years, but I’ve always known. The passion I have had for music, art, creativity and animals has never gone away. It was not a phase, but if you asked anyone around me, while I was growing up, it was just a fruitless, obsessive hobby. I could never live or support myself (let alone my daughters) doing any of those things, so… I needed to quit obsessing and live my life like everyone else. I never stopped wanting the things I wanted. I just learned to keep them to myself, and quietly plan for the future.

I did not have any guidance when it came to my future. College was expensive, and my sister had just had a bad experience in college, so when I brought it up to my folks that I wanted to go for studio sound and record production… I was not super surprised when I was told I needed to get a job. I didn’t know enough about the world or how things work, or how to get student loans, or anything like that. I was completely ignorant. So, in my mind… that option was gone. No college for me. I’m not mad about it. I’m actually kind of grateful I never had to deal with student loans and crushing debt, but there is always that question in the back of my mind… “Would I be doing what I dream now, had I gone?” Maybe. Maybe not.

I fell into this routine of survival right out of the gate. I moved out and in with a boyfriend at 19, and I was working in the telecom/corporate type world. It was a complete culture shock. Everyone seemed so fucked up, like there was so much going on in the shadows, everywhere. It was work, drinking, drama, gossip or cheating and just really fucked up shit. Is this what the world is like? I just got out of high school… is this what being an adult is? I wanted to fit in, but I didn’t like the environment. My 19’s-22’s was a very strange time for me. I was a child, trying to play the role of an adult… and I was not doing a great job of it.

I was a young mother in an abusive marriage from 22-25, and a single mom from then on. That was the time frame in which I grew up… and I grew up A LOT! I had to. I moved back home, and I have a job now that makes decent money, I have decent enough insurance… but it is slowly killing me. Since my spiritual awakening, that desire to live my most authentic life has become less of a desire and more of a necessity. It is screaming in my face every single day, “STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? YOU’RE THROWING YOUR LIFE AWAY! THIS ISN’T THE LIFE MEANT FOR YOU!” People, environments, circumstances surrounding me… have been toxic for a long time, but I just dealt with it. “That’s life, this is just how it is.” It’s true. There are a lot of toxic things in this world, but that doesn’t mean that those toxic things have to be in MY world… in MY life... Not anyone.

It’s come to a point in my life, where I am going to have to make a choice. Am I going to continue to live the life that everyone expects of me? Or am I going to finally live the life that is going to make me feel the most alive? The life I have been dreaming of my entire life. Do I stay at the job that I begrudgingly drag myself to and from each day, the job that literally makes me sick to think about having to go, let alone be there… or do I go for the dream job, the dream career, the dream environment? The job that makes me excited to wake up, start the day, and do. I am tired of just surviving. I want to live.

I am doing this world a disservice, by dulling myself down and cogging my way through life. It is so astronomical in society for a person to think and live outside of societies rules. Who made these rules? Who decided what jobs are worth doing and what jobs aren’t? Have we been brainwashed into the cog lifestyle? Who programed this way of thinking/living into our heads? Look at who owns these big, billion-dollar corporations. Look at our political leaders. Just look around and question these things. Question everything. Be a free thinker.

I’m getting off subject here, so I’m going to reel myself back in. Every job is important. And some people are just happy to go through life as a cog, then go home to their families, and do their time until they retire. My parents are that way. A lot of people are. And that’s great. It’s just like my other post about 10-gallon love and pint capacity people. Some people love with what they have and receive the love they get, and they are content and completely happy with that. That is completely cool with me. As long as people are happy, I am happy for them. This post… (and that post) is for the people like me. The people who love BIG and dream BIG. The dulled down emotions and dulled down lifestyle just doesn’t work for us. We are here to fuck shit up. We are here to inspire you, to move you, to entertain you. We are the dreamers, the music makers, the BIG IDEA havers. We are what makes your dull 9-5’s bearable. We are the creators that bring a little more life and joy and love into this world. Stop trying to kill us. We never try to kill your dreams or put you in boxes. Just as, I am not going to try to make you come outside and be like me. I think it’s so important that we live and let live. Be your most authentic you and do not let anyone tell you what they think that is for you. Only you know. It’s a solo journey of self-discovery.

I have been conditioned over these last 35 years of my life… to doubt myself. To question my heart. To question my value and abilities. The blame doesn’t fall on anyone’s shoulders but my own. I’ve done pretty good, considering; I’ve stayed me, I’ve stayed passionate, I’ve never quit working towards something more… but I’m at the crossroads now. I have been healing myself in bigger ways than I could ever express, in this year alone. Any hurt or resentment towards anyone who tried to shove me in a box is gone. Any anger I have towards myself for allowing this to happen for as long as it did, is gone. I understand why things transpired as they have. I understand why they will continue to. I’ve burned the box. It’s gone. I think it’s important for people to know that. It’s never coming back. I am healing myself; I am standing in my power; I am making plans. I will be taking a calculated leap of faith in the near future. I know it’s coming. I’ve been led here. I’m at the peak of this great mountain, alone, standing tall, just waiting for the fog to clear. Then… I’m going to leap.