War Paint

I started watching a show on Netflix called The Maid. A preview came up after the girls and I finished another series on Netflix, that we had been watching. As soon as the preview ended, my oldest said "Well... you have to watch that. It's basically your life." So I did... and as always, she was right. I watched a handful of episodes then binge watched the rest of the limited series last night. Well, technically last night/this morning. I pulled an all nighter and caught a cat nap from 4am-7am when I got up to get the girls around for school.

It was a very well done series. For any woman who has gone through an abusive relationship, I highly recommend it. But... be prepared to feel some tough things. To relive some tough times. I learned about 5 years ago, when I first got into a relationship with my boyfriend, that my marriage caused me to develop PTSD. I was in denial about that. Tough girl like me... I'm untouchable. A fucking warrior. Yes, it's true... I am tough, I am a warrior... but even the toughest, beast of a person can be hurt. Despite your "tough it out/rub some dirt on it" mentality... scars still form. And when you don't treat the wound properly... it gets infected and festers. That's what I did. I'm okay. I always have been. "I've got this" has been my battle cry these last 10 years of my life. And I do. I've got this. I'm okay. But I wasn't alright. If that makes any sense...

Mental abuse leaves lasting wounds. I'd have almost rather have been beat every second of every day... then mentally abused every second of every day. I can take physical pain. Broken bones can heal, and bruises fade. It's those unseen... and quiet wounds that you suffer through within yourself, that's hard to fix. Those ones you didn't even know you had, until someone shines a spot light on it and asks... Why are you like this? God, why are the simple things so hard for you? Well... what the shit... I didn't realize they were. That's when you start to see just how much a person can mess you up, if you let them.

I have come a very long way from where I was five years ago. I'm not where I want to be with everything, but I am so much further than where I started. Within the last year alone, I have grown leaps and bounds. My spiritual awakening has been hard as hell. Lonely, confusing, uncomfortable, painful, but freeing. I have always known what I needed to do to heal or be better, but it was like there was a force field standing between me and the results I wanted. I just couldn't get there or do it. I was blocked and it made no sense as to why. The answer was right there in my brain. I knew I could do it. But this unseen and incomprehensible barrier would just not let it happen. I have a couple theories about why. First of all, I have ADHD and I get in my own way, constantly. There is a legit disconnect in my brain with things sometimes and I get sensory overloads and shut down. When things get hard, my brain bails and I go into zombie mode. My second theory is... my effort within my awakening allowed those blocks to come crumbling down. I think my ADHD played it's role, as it always does, but overall it was the work I was doing within my awakening. I know I have been getting downloads. I've felt them as they're happening, I've seen them as they're happening, and I just wake up without that force field in the way anymore. It is like a button has been pushed in my brain and with the snap of your fingers... there is just clarity and peace. Something so simple, that for what ever reason was so difficult for me... and it's just gone. So much shit has just fallen away from me. And I am so grateful for that.

It's hard. I'm doing all this self work. I am loving myself in all the ways I've needed and have been seeking from others. That is the mission. I am healing so... fucking... much... and stepping into my power. The resistance within is gone... but in turn it feels like it's shifted and transferred to the people around me. Or more likely, it's always been there... and I'm just aware enough to see it now. Do you think what I am doing and working towards is encouraged? No. Do I get credit for the leaps and bounds I've made in healing and bettering myself? No. I'm still not doing good enough. I am not putting enough effort into things anymore. I feel selfish. And why not? Why not let me be selfish for a spell. I am tired of pouring myself into things that no longer match the love and self respect I deserve. The love and self respect that I am finally receiving from myself. But, I'm the heartless one now. I have given so much... of myself away to people and situations that do not value me. I have not been enough to the people around me for too long. Everything... is falling away. I still have resistance inside, because I don't hurt people. I don't cause pain. I am the loving doormat that reads: "Welcome." You are welcome to love me and value me and want me as little or as much as you want. And I stay. I stay way too long and make you end things because I just can't purposely hurt people. I set no boundaries. No, not anymore.

I want to feel safe. Safety comes in many forms. Obviously, I don't want to be beat or abused ever again. Physically or emotionally. I don't want to be manipulated. I want to be loved, valued, accepted and wanted exactly as I am. I don't want to feel like I have to earn love. I don't want conditional love. I want the security of knowing that I am going to be loved despite the fear of something getting difficult or going wrong. I want someone to be committed to me. Committed to my girls. I want someone who is sure we're worth the trouble. Someone who wants to build a life with us. I have been alone for as long as I can remember. I have had to put war paint on my face every morning and reapply with ever tear I've cried for myself and my girls. It is just me here. Fighting for a better life for us. I can do it. I will do it.

Do you know that about 50% of the time, I sleep downstairs in my living room because I hear bumps in the night. Ever since we had a report in my town of a man breaking into a house and rapping a woman, I have spent a lot of my time camped out downstairs as a first line of defense to keep my girls safe. That report ended up being a false report, but that unsafe feeling never left. It's been a good 5-6 years now. I am a single mother of two beautiful little girls. We are targets. That feeling women have out in public when strange men approach... I have that all the time. I am VERY aware of my surroundings. And ready to fucking throw down in a moments notice to keep us safe. My little ghetto street has a lot of activity. OD's and domestics occurred next door constantly for years. There was a shed out back just feet from my property line where people used to shoot up. We had a barricaded gunman situation 2 houses down. Grown boy/men shoot bow and arrows towards my house and I have found arrows in my yard. I don't know what the fuck is going on in the house across the street from me now. Noise all around me 24/7... chain saws, dirt bikes, motorcycles, trucks. REV REV REV all fucking day. My creepy ass neighbor likes to make my oldest daughter uncomfortable anytime she's outside mowing. He didn't realize I was out there with her and witnessed it. They are never outside without me with them. That is how unsafe I feel here. And I'm alone with that. This temporary house when we first moved back from Chicago... has turned into a whole different nightmare. I'm trying to make the best of it now. It used to consume me. But since I've let all of that go... opportunities have been presenting themselves to me. I am about to sell my camp that I have been stuck under for the last 2-3 years. It was going to be our home... I was excited... but plans changed and it became a burden. Another hurdle I needed to clear. Now it's clearing. And I feel optimistic that the opportunities I seek are coming. I can feel it.

I have my eye on some property, but the guy who owns it will not get back to me with a price for it. It stinks, but I'm trusting the process. Maybe that's not the place for us. Maybe he'll respond once my camp is sold. Who knows what the future holds. The point is... I've let go of my need to control it. I'm finding the more I do that, the easier things come. I am feeling grateful for everything that has happened in my life. The good has been so good. The bad has been a lesson and opportunity for self growth. Just take a moment and look through my past blog posts. I am a completely different person than I was. You can't miss it. I am in a totally better place than I was. I don't need credit. I don't need to hear someone tell me they see me and they're proud of me. I see me. I'm proud of me. I know what I have been doing... how hard I've been working on so many aspects of my life. Every single day... for so long. I have been fighting for so long. I'm tired and I'm ready to feel safe. I'll get that one day. God doesn't give you anymore than he knows you can handle.

I'm okay. I'm alright. War paint is on. I've got this.