Warrior

I'm at war. A lot of people like me are fighting a war that most people don't even know about. It's not a war like we, as humans, are used to. There are no guns, bombs or bloodshed. It's spiritual warfare. It's been going on since the beginning of time, it just seems like a lot of people have been waking up right now and it's causing a ruffle in the 3D. I'm new to this new found spirituality, but it also feels familiar and like home to me too.

So, what exactly does this new found spiritually consist of? My mother seems to think it's witchcraft or devil worship, she likes to insinuate that anyway... while being quite vocal and direct on how ridiculous she feels it is (I am). She's convinced this shift in my life is "bullshit" and "nonsense." Like it's some sort of phase that I'll outgrow. It's always been that way. My passion towards art and music was just an obnoxious, obsessive phase too. And yet, thirty years later... here I am just as passionate about it as ever. Passion is an instinctive pull towards your souls deepest wishes. Why would you try to deter someone from their calling or discourage them from going towards the very thing that is going to make them their happiest version self? I've never understood that. I understand that it takes money to survive this world... but why is it the most important thing to people? Money buys comfort in a sense, but the bigger the house, the more property you own, the more cars and toys you have... the more it costs to keep them in your life. It becomes a rat race. A well thought out trap. If you turn your back on that one thing inside you, that makes life worth living... what's left? I can still be a good mother and have passions for things outside of my being a mother. I feel that having an identity outside of being a parent, makes me a BETTER parent. My daughters can see that fire in me and that I have aspirations and goals in life. That no matter how long it takes or how old you get, you can still do and be everything you want in this world. I have seen what happens to people who lose that. They are sad and bitter... and they take their self disappointment and frustrations out on those around them. Especially the people that love them the most. I won't be that person.

I'm not resentful about the dynamic between my mother and I. I used to be, but thanks to my new journey with spirituality... I was able to identify the why's and let it go. Forgive it all. I was meant to have this dynamic with my mother, with my parents, with my family and friends, all of it. It has hurt and haunted me for years, but because of what I wished I had growing up, support wise, I aspired to give that support and understanding to my children. I have had countless conversations with my daughters, talking about what I was like when I was a kid, what made my heart beat fast, what made me smile ear to ear and spend countless hours a day in a deep trance picturing all the things I would become one day. Thirty years later... I am still that person. I'm a little worse for wear, due to mental and emotional battles I've fought over the years, but no one was ever able to put my fire out. I ask my girls, what it is that puts a little extra air in their lungs and a spark in their heart. I want them to pursue those things with everything they've got. I reassure them, that they have everything it takes to make their dreams a reality. I also talk about my spirituality with them too.

So what is it, you ask? What is this magical spiritual experience I am going through? Well... let's just start by saying it is not witchcraft... and it is definitely not devil worship. Quite the opposite, actually. I am a christian. I always have been, I always will be. There are a lot of spiritual people that feel christianity and spirituality do not work together. A lot of people spit on it. They think religion is a sort of prison or box created to keep us small minded, fearful and obedient. Then there are others that say we are all God and that heaven and hell only exists within. I don't go as far as thinking like either of those types. Just like there are know it all christians who push their views on everyone and that think their thinking is the only way to think... there are people who are spiritual and feel more "woke" than everyone else, that are like this too. I have never been either of those people and I never will be. My spirituality goes hand in hand with my christianity.

I believe in God and I talk to him (I think of God as a him) often. I'm not sure what I feel about the bible. The bible was written by men. Look at our history books. Is everything in those books correct? Or is it possible that people in power decided to take significant events in history and beef them up to make them look victorious, honorable and strong. You can't say for sure, unless you were there. Look at the news today. Barely anything said on the news anymore is how things actually are. It's so bias and is such sheer propaganda that it makes me sick. Things happening today in our world, have happened throughout history, going back and back and back as far as biblical times. People are just as flawed and corrupt today, as they always have been. Not everything is black and white and true. I think there is a lot of good stories and lessons in the bible. And I take it as that. So, I'm open minded that anything is possible but I don't follow and believe everything I see blindly either. I follow my internal compass. I have always been a free thinker and I think that's important.

Along with talking to God on the regular, I also talk to my spirit guides and angels. They are my spirit team, watching over me and guiding me. They see all the things I've ever gone through, the struggles, the pain, the joy, the love, the heart break, all of it. They are always watching, always with me, and always rooting for me. They know what I want from this life and work behind the scenes to help me get those things (if they are in alignment with my greater good). It's been a struggle to communicate with them. I'm still sort of new to all of this. It's only been a little less than a year since my awakening... but so far... this is how they have been communicating with me (that I am aware of):

Music.

Music has always been so important to me, they know that. With my ADHD I can hyper focus on aspects of the music. I can hone in on the drum beats and picture the drummers hands and feet moving and hitting each pedal, drum and cymbal. The same goes for the guitarists and watching their fingers move up and down the strings. My air guitar skills are siiiiick. I also hyper focus on the singer and their lyrics. That paired with my empathy, I often know what the lyricist was feeling and writing about and I take that journey with them. I live it with them, through them. It can be pretty intense. My moods can very easily be altered through music, because of this. Then there are times when I am zoned out while listening to music. No hyper focus. I'm just in my head thinking about something, that's when they communicate with me. I will be zoning out driving down the road or sitting at work with music going in the background. It's typically when I am questioning things in my head and having an internal monologue of sorts that the music will break my attention. And I will hear a lyric that answers that question or takes a thought I was having and supports it. I'll have not been listening to the music or even know what song it playing and it's like the volume comes in loud to break my concentration. And I just know. They make sure I know. I wish I could explain it better. It's like someone grabbing your face and forcing you took look somewhere. That is what happens with my thoughts. I am grabbed from that thought and directed to the words. Sometimes I will be driving and zoning out and it will happen, I will get a warning to slow down or pay attention through my music. Then a deer or something comes out in the road. Things like that.

Angel Numbers.

Since my awakening I see angel numbers/number synchronicities all the time. Numbers like: 111, 222, 333, 444, 555, 666, 777, 888, 999, 1010, 1111, 1212, 1313, 1414, 1515, etc. 1111 is pretty reoccurring and the most dominant angel number I see. I see these numbers on the clock for the most part, but I also see them basically everywhere I look, all the time. I get woken up out of a dead sleep often to look at the clock to see what time it is, and 90% of the time it's one of those numbers. If I was dreaming or thinking about something and was woken up or compelled to look at the time and I see a synchronicity, I used to take the time to look up the meaning. The messages are always pretty vague, so I haven't been reading into them as much lately. I just take it as a reminder that my spirit guides are with me and I go about my day.

Tarot.

Here's where I think the witch/devil worship thought process comes in. It's so, not the case. Tarot cards are just a tool used to communicate. I work strictly with love and light, through my angels and spirit guides. Nothing else. When I talk to my guides in a private and personal setting, they answer. There is no misunderstanding the messages or trying to alter the messages to fit what I need to hear. It always fits and I don't question it. It's direct messages and a splash of intuition. A knowing or confidence in how you read the cards. It's very direct. I'm new to it. Often times I have tarot readings come up on my fyp page on TikTok. Some of these readers will say "I'm hearing *this* thank you spirit." I can't say for certain (because I'm not them), but I don't think it is someone else's voice they hear. I think it is their voice in their own head. I think that's how it works. You receive messages from spirit, they come in strong and you take it with confidence, kind of like how I explained before. They grab you and make it known to you, that it's them trying to tell you something. I'm trying to get better at recognizing this in tarot, but I am new and I lack confidence in myself. I second guess myself. It comes with time and experience, I suppose, like most things in life. The tarot readings that come to me through TikTok are collective readings. They are general messages for a group of people going through similar but not identical things. So, while I do take them into consideration, I do not take them heart. I try not to follow or interact much with tarot readers on TikTok, because I don't want to encourage things to come to me, that are not meant for me. I like the idea that things are coming to from my spirit guides/angels. They say if it finds you, it's meant for you. I'm not entirely sure that's true, especially when it's loaded with hashtags. I'm not naïve. I understand that it's likely just some algorithm picking up and sending me things it's deems relatable. Everything that comes to me, resonates and the messages are always the same... but I try not to read into them too much. I prefer to do my own readings, it's more personal. The results I get during my own readings, usually coincide with the general collective readings though... so who the hell knows. Tarot is like a test with me. If the message is anything outside of myself, that I cannot control through my own actions, is something I try not to focus too much of my attention on. So any messages pertaining to love or people coming into my life... I just kind of leave it to fate. It's a theory test. If things happen, that the tarot predicts, then neat. If not, I know what I need to do and work on within myself. And that's what matters.

Ringing.

Ringing in my ears. I've had ringing in my ears every now and again throughout my life, but since my awakening I have it ALL the time now. If I wasn't going through a spiritual awakening and having all these other things going on... I might think I have tinnitus. However I am going through an awakening and I do have these other things going on. So what does this mean? Well... a few things. They say, if you hear ringing in your right ear, it is your spirit guides trying to get a message to you. They say it could be a message letting you know that someone is talking about you, that blessings are coming your way, your spirit guides want you to know that they are with you, or that they want you to work more on your spiritual work. They say that ringing in your left ear signifies something going on in you life. They also say it can mean someone is talking about you, or you're getting confirmation about something you are thinking about, or that there is a great change about to come to your life. I tend to deal with ringing in my ears, much like I approach angel numbers/synchronicities, in that I take them as a sign that my guides/angels are with me. But the meanings behind them are based on vague theories, soooo... short of a sign that they're with me... I don't try to read too much into messages.

Dreams.

Music and dreams have always been very prominent in my life. My dreams used to be very vivid and action packed. I dreamt every single night. I was usually always fighting and saving my loved ones from monsters and bad guys. I always remembered the majority of my dreams every single morning and kept a dream journal by my bed that I would write the dreams down, in anticipation of making them into fictional books and novels. Since my awakening though, I have not been able to remember my dreams. I actually really miss them. I'm pretty sure I'm doing other things in my sleep now. I have caught myself getting a lot of downloads in my sleep. You can actually see the energy coming into you through your closed eyes. Sometimes it's waves of light, other times hieroglyphics written in light. I'm not asleep yet. I'm just laying there with my eyes closed trying to fall asleep. In the beginning when this started happening, I would focus on it and be like "WTF is that?" And it would stop. Then when I'd relax and go back to trying to fall asleep it would start up again, like they were trying to sneak it into me without my noticing. Waves of light and energy, making my eyes flicker. Now, I just let it happen and stay relaxed. It's been happening for so long now, that they know that I know it's happening. But I'm at a stage now that it's just second nature. I'm not surprised or startled. It's like, "Hey Layney... just here for your Tuesday download." "Sounds good, Ron. I'll see you tomorrow night." That just seems to be the new nightly dynamic. So mostly, I think I'm just getting downloads and spending most of my nights doing what ever comes with that. And other times, I think I do something a little more than dream/download. I think that sometimes I am traveling in my sleep. I get little glimpses and memories with people when I wake up, but for the most part, I don't think I'm supposed to know or allowed to know where I've been at night. My hope is that as I progress and advance in my spirituality I'll be able/allowed to remember everything. Right now, I am living in between the 3D world and the 5D world. I'm still very much tethered here. I still have a lot of work to do here.

I understand how strange this sounds to people. How hard it is to wrap your mind around something, that you've never gone through. It's easier for people to discredit and down play it than to expand their mind to something more. I will never come at you and tell you that you're less of a person for not being where I am. I will never make you feel like shit for not understanding where I am right now. I will not push my spirituality on you, or tell you how to live your life. Not everyone goes through this in a lifespan. We all have our own journeys and things we are working through. None are more or less important then the next. It's a custom life path for each person, and it's all extremely important. The people that do go through spiritual awakenings are spread out around the world, and go through it in waves. I have not (knowingly) met anyone in my immediate life circle that is going through what I'm going through. That is because... it is a personal journey. A journey within.

I have always said there is an entire universe inside me. I've felt it. If you feel that way too... you're probably going to have an awakening in this lifetime, if you haven't already. And it is going to be the best and hardest thing you will ever go through. The loneliest. People will look at you like you have three heads. People will not give you the same courtesy that you give them. They will tear you down for being different. They will come at you and your experiences and try to make you feel like a lunatic or like you have some sort of mental defect. They will try to bring your high vibration down in an attempt to drag you to a lower more relatable vibration. I was born into this world vibrating at a higher level than everyone around me. No better or worse than anyone... I just already had a lot of things unlocked. I was just different and felt things a little more. I have been fighting my entire life to keep my fire burning bright inside and to keep trusting my intuition. And I did it. I made it. I'm an adult, I am fully aware, and I'm still me. I stood strong against the odds and now I am breaking my families generational curses. All the things that has tethered my family to lower vibrations... making them unable to face their traumas and heal them, I'm doing that. I'm breaking the cycle. I'm passing that knowledge to my daughters. I see them. I'm nurturing them in all the ways that I needed as a child. I'm trying to ensure that I am a beacon of light and love for them. That I will not be a trauma in their life that they will have to learn how to heal from one day. I'm not perfect, I won't do everything right... but I broke a major cycle. A cycle others before me could not break.

I am at war. I have been at war with myself. And though I will continue to have to fight little battles within myself... I was victorious in the greatest battle of my life. The battle that allowed me to let go of everything I can't control. The battle to undo all the damage that hurt and trauma caused. The battle that allowed me to see people for who and what they are and understand why that is. The battle that allows me to forgive anyone who did me wrong and continues to try do me wrong. The battle that allowed me to forgive myself for making poor choices or acting poorly out of fear and hurt. The battle that allowed me to break free from any molds I was made to feel I had to fit into, and thinking patterns that didn't feel exactly right, and all the negative thoughts that would creep in about myself.

I am at war with the toxic environment around me. A world where the government and the people/corporations that run them are looking to dumb down the people and keep the people dependent, sick and low vibing, because those people are easier to control. They do not like people like me. It is those people of power, over the years, that have put the stigma in place that anyone who thinks like me, is crazy, or a witch, or a devil worshiper. And that they should be cast out or shunned. Fake news, guys. There is so much going on behind the scenes, that people of power like to keep secret. There are people out there that can speak to the dead, move things with their minds, read peoples minds, see things that most people can't, astral project, feel the energy and life in everything around them, etc. And those are just a few examples of cool or neat things people are capable of. There are so many dark and sinister things they hide (and participate in) that they keep secret too. The less information and knowledge the people have, the better. They want us vibrating in low energy. Smoke and mirrors. Focused on shit that doesn't matter or doesn't even exist. They want to keep you ignorant and eating out of their hands. We are ALL capable of great and amazing things. It just takes a lot of practice and work. I can't do anything super cool yet. I accidently astral projected one time in the very beginning of my awakening, while I was trying to meditate and do a past life regression. It was the strangest thing I have ever felt. Like getting to the top of a very tall rollercoaster and going down... only in reverse. That woosh feeling rips you out of your body and up. I got like 2-3 stories above myself and hit a wall of energy and dropped right back to my body. I sat straight up, gasping for air. It was like I got the wind knocked out of me. I was no where near ready for that, but it fascinated the shit out of me. An incredible experience. One I look forward to exploring more at a later time, when I feel I'm ready.

And lastly, I am at a war with the people in my life who do not recognize or relate with this new version me. I do not care if my awakening makes you uncomfortable. I do not care if you believe me or agree with me. I don't care if you liked the old me better, I'll never be her again. I wish you nothing but the best. I want you to be happy and well. I truly do. I am the happiest and freest I've ever been. This experience has made me a better person. A better mother. Everything that I have been doing and going through has been an experience of healing and self love. How can you possibly look down on me for that? And if you still do after hearing and understanding my story more... shame on you. That's messed up. Ask yourself why that is. It's a you problem, not a me problem. I am getting closer to God. I radiate love and light. I'm not trying to push anything on anyone. I'm simply sharing my story, for those who are curious or those who are also going through something similar. I make no apologies for who I am, and what I am doing. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.